Gord and Kev remember famous food mascots.
After listening to the show, check out our Episode 3 video playlist on YouTube!
WIMP MATCH: GOOMBA (Super Mario Bros) VS WAYNE GRETZKY (NHL Hockey)
Gord Tep: The Great One is on anybody’s all-time list of superior athletes. However, let’s be honest, fighting is hardly his specialty. Hell, the guy won the Lady Byng Trophy five times. Goomba may just waddle back and forth, but his goal is to kill. In fact, if he simply nicks you, you die. Gretzky will skate around trying to avoid physical contact at all costs. Since this is a fight, and Goomba seemingly goes on forever, Gretz will eventually get tired of dodging and bite the dust. #99 may be an incredibly well-conditioned athlete, but since these battles occur without a time limit, Goomba’s persistence will outlast Wayne’s attempted pacifism. WINNER: GOOMBA
Ham City Kev: Did Bowser kidnap Janet Jones? Is Goomba in Gretzky’s way? Even if that’s not the case, you gotta figure Wayne’s survival instinct would kick in during such an encounter. Since body checking is not his thing, one slap shot from the Great One should be enough to take out the Goomba. WINNER: WAYNE GRETZKY
LEGEND MATCH: MARIO VS SONIC
HCK: Gotta go with Mario here, and really, it’s no contest. He’s got too many weapons! All he needs to defeat Sonic is 2 things: first, a Tanooki Suit to dodge the Sonic attack, followed by the classic Fire Flower to toast Sonic’s ass. If Sonic wants to get cute with run-ins from Tails, Knuckles, etc, he can try it. Allowing Luigi into the battle just doubles the Mario Bros arsenal. WINNER: MARIO
GT: Is the P-Wing legal? What about Sonic’s super shoes? I always referred to them as Reebok Pumps. Luigi and Toad are worthless, and the Princess can only fly in dreams (e.g., Mario 2). I’ll say that Sonic’s high-definition graphics will overwhelm Mario’s little pixelated ass. He’ll roll through Mario in high speed like a boulder against Indy. WINNER: SONIC
CLASSIC MATCH: DONKEY KONG VS PAC-MAN
GT: This battle should take place at the Mid-South Coliseum, or the Sportatorium, or the Pontiac Silverdome, or some other old arena that held wrestling events in the 1980s and no longer exists. Donkey Kong sure has the edge in terms of brute strength, but Pac Man is an automatic victor if power pellets are legal. Pac will likely run the risk of failing a test for performance enhancers because he’ll already have eaten Donkey Kong by the time the test is administered. Ms. Pac Man could also play the Jessica Lange role and distract DK. WINNER: PAC MAN
HCK: If the great Patrick Swayze has taught us anything (and he has), it’s that ghosts are intangible unless motivated by vengeance. I imagine with names like Inky, Blinky, Pinky, and Clyde, Pacman’s ghost pals are not the vengeful sort. One would then assume that Pacman is such a wimp that he dies when touched by something intangible! Even if you don’t buy into that philosophy, Pacman is constantly getting pwned by guys named Inky, Blinky, PINKY, and Clyde, for fuck’s sake! At least with a name like Mario, one can pretend that DK’s nemesis might have connections to the mafia. One barrel from Kong is more than enough for Pacman to choke on. WINNER: DONKEY KONG
DEATH MATCH: SAMUS ARAN (Metroid) VS RYU HAYABUSA (Ninja Gaiden)
HCK: Sure, Samus has one of the greatest arsenals of any video game character in history. But Ryu’s a ninja. Samus would be dead without even seeing what hit her. WINNER: RYU HAYABUSA
GT: Saaaaamus, a word with you. If Samus is in the Samus suit, she has a chance. If that Ninja Gai-den-hay guy from the Wizard is controlling Hayabusa, he wins. I didn’t really care much for either of these games, so I’m booking a draw and going to get popcorn at the concession stand. WINNER: NONE
ICON MATCH: RYU VS SUB-ZERO
GT: I’m guessing Ryu beat Ken in the qualifying match on Raw after HBK took out Bundy. Anyway, since Sub-Zero is an actual human being and Ryu is a cartoon, the Mortal Kombat superstar comes out on top– via fatality or nudality (if somebody from Prodigy in 1995 gave a genuine code). WINNER: SUB ZERO
HCK: Ryu dragon punches waterfalls in his spare time–and he’s supposed to be afraid of some icicles? 10 bucks says Ryu is prepared to fight honorably when Sub Zero slips him up by freezing the floor. Sub Zero then tries to cheez Ryu by sweeping the leg every time Ryu attempts to stand up, but eventually the sweep is blocked. Ryu says, “oh, we’re cheezing are we?” and slips into Champion Edition mode, firing hadoken after hadoken. 30 fireballs later, Ryu stands over Sub Zero’s body and shouts, “HIER EES SUB SEERO! NOW… PLAYN SEERO!” WINNER: RYU
TAG TEAM MATCH: BILLY & JIMMY LEE (Double Dragon) VS PAUL COFFEY & RAY BOURQUE (NHL Hockey)
HCK: Both teams can take a ton of punishment, but there’s one major difference: 7 or 8 punches will knock down the Double Dragon Duo, whereas Coffey and Bourque… well, I’m just not sure if knocking them down is even possible, to be frank. Once Billy and Jimmy are down, I just don’t see Paul and Ray letting them back up. Perhaps the better matchup here would be Coffey & Borque vs the 2 Abobos in Level 3 (those fucks). WINNER: PAUL COFFEY & RAY BOURQUE
GT: “Bimmy” and Jimmy don’t stand a chance against the 77s. You can make their heads bleed in this one, Mikey. WINNER: PAUL COFFEY & RAY BOURQUE
FATAL 4-WAY, ELIMINATION STYLE: LINK (Zelda) vs LITTLE MAC (Mike Tyson’s Punch Out) vs SIMON (Castlevania) vs MEGAMAN
GT: Little Mac knocked out Mike F’n Tyson in his prime. Nobody in the world could do that. Link needs swords that shoot electric swords or candles or magic flutes; Mac only needs his fists. Megaman and Simon can battle to the back because nobody cares about them. WINNER: LITTLE MAC
HCK: Agreed (though plenty of people care about Megaman and Simon, Gordo). Simon, Megaman, and Link all have pretty straight-forward attacks, nothing Mac can’t dodge easily and counter attack. Mac over Simon, Link over Megaman, Mac over Link. WINNER: LITTLE MAC
UNSTOPPABLE FORCE MATCH: MIKE TYSON (Punch-Out) VS BOB BACKLUND (Ham City Kev’s legendary CAW for N64′s WWF No Mercy)
HCK: Yeah, we threw in an inside reference for the final battle. How good was my Backlund creation? Well, all you readers remember how insanely tough Tyson was, correct? My Backlund would stretch Tyson so hard he’d shit himself. Backlund would then reach down Tyson’s shorts and force feed Kid Dynamite his own feces. You see, it’s not enough for my Backlund CAW to break his opponent’s body. He cannot rest until his opponent’s spirit is broken as well. WINNER: THE BOB BACKLUND CAW
GT: Backlund walking on his knees, making his weird bug-eyed face from the hour-mark of the ’93 Rumble. Even his maxed stats are no match for Tyson’s devastating uppercuts and jabs. Only a Buster Douglas CAW would stand a chance. Backlund might win with practice, but it takes a few times to get the timing down. Backlund could potentially win a best of seven series. There’s just no way he’s winning the first match. WINNER: MIKE TYSON
Gord and Kev wax nostalgic over the great video games of the 1990s.
After listening to the show, check out our Episode 2 video playlist on YouTube!
Gord and Kev reminisce about some of their favorite classic arcade and console video games from the 1980s.
After listening to the show, check out our Episode 1 video playlist on YouTube!
Let me start off by saying: I’m not a serious gamer. You will probably be looking for games on this list that you simply wont find. It could be for the reasons you expect (i.e.: I’m a douchebag who’s not too crazy about Mario 3), but it’s way more likely that the game you’re hoping to read about is missing because I haven’t played it. I’ve never played a PS3. I’ve barely touched the 360. I’ve only played 2 Zeldas, 1 Final Fantasy, and only the original Metroid after the Justin Bailey code. This is by no means a list to be taken seriously–but, you may just see a game on here that you love, and you’ll be glad it’s getting some due respect. Sit back and enjoy. Or not.
Honorable Mentions: Conker’s Bad Fur Day (N64), Contra (NES), James Bond: Agent Under Fire (PS2), Smackdown vs Raw (PS2), Sonic 1 (Genesis), Skitchin’ (Genesis), Sports Talk Baseball (Genesis), TMNT 4 (SNES), Virtual On (Arcade)
10. Robocop (Arcade, 1988)
It’s the game that got me hooked on going to arcades. As a young kid who loved everything Robocop, this game was the world to me. Authentic music and sound effects from the movie made this such a fun little side-scrolling shooter, and its place on my top-ten list was cemented after a nostalgic trip to my old arcade about a year ago. I found in my old stomping grounds the Gamechoice 2K, a machine that can load up just about every classic arcade game in history. With literally thousands of titles to choose from, I did not hesitate for one moment in deciding what to play first: Robocop.
9. Super Mario Bros (NES, 1986)
Do I need to explain? Fine, I’ll explain with an embarassing admission (one that I know I’m not alone on): I first played this game when I was 4. I first beat this game when I was 20. It never stopped being fun in between. That is a great fucking game–and IMHO, better than Mario 3.
8. Street Fighter series (multi-platform, 1987-present)
Pretty much the sole reason I picked up Capcom Classics Vol 2 for PS2 was because it included Street Fighter 1, a game that I loved even before its HOF sequel sparked the second great age in arcade gaming (a designation I just made up, please don’t take it literally or seriously). I can’t even imagine the amount of time I spent playing/watching SF2 in the arcades or at home on the SNES. I smile thinking back to the shock and awe I had the first time I laid eyes on SF2 Champion Edition. I’m still proud of the fact that I was able to routinely beat Marvel vs Capcom on one quarter in college. The Street Fighter series is simply the gold standard, and WAY better than Mortal Kombat in my book. If only I could figure out the Guile Gun Trick…
7. Grand Theft Auto III (PS2, 2001)
Like GordTep, I would cut class in college simply to play GTA1. It was easily one of the most mind blowing games in history. Now? The game is simply unplayable. Why? Because nobody in their right mind can stand GTA1 after they’ve played GTA3. Pretty much the sole reason I have a PS2 is because of this game. I don’t know which is more fun: playing the actual game, or aquiring 6 stars and then attempting to drive crosstown to the pay-n-spray.
6. Goldeneye (N64, 1997)
There was a month during my Freshman Year of college where this game was being played in every other male dorm room. That sounds a little embellished, but I’m honestly not sure if it is. Everyone played that game repeatedly because there was so damn much to do: Multiplayer with Pistols. Multiplayer with Automatics. Multiplayer with, by god, Proximity Mines in the Caverns stage (the holiest of the holy). And let’s not forget how fucking awesome the single-player missions were, even before you get caught up trying to score record times in each mission to unlock cheats! This game is a fucking legend.
5. Super Mario World (SNES, 1991)
Best. Mario. Sidescroller. Ever. Period. Even Yoshi’s annoying pansy ass can’t hold this icon down.
4. Super Mario Kart (SNES, 1992)
The original. Nothing beats it (though the Wii version comes close). Honestly, Nintendo could have released the racing mode and the battle mode as 2 seperate games and nobody would have flinched at buying both. SUCH an awesome game. And really, is there a better feeling than drilling someone with a green shell from 200 yards out?
Hey Nintendo! Release this on Virtual Console already!!! (Pilotwings too, while you’re at it)
3. WWF No Mercy (N64, 2000)
I know that Fire Pro has its followers, and the SD vs Raw series really took it to the next level, but No Mercy is the Grandaddy of all wrestling games. It’s just not debatable. What made it so great? Absolute perfect control and nearly unlimited freedom to make any character, do any move, have any match. Try and find someone who played this game in its time and didn’t like it. You can’t.
2. RBI Baseball (NES, 1988)
There are still RBI Championship Tournaments played these days. Are there Baseball Stars Tournaments? Sorry Gordo. Baseball Stars was highly innovative, but RBI was simply WAYYYYYYY more fun. I wish all modern baseball games had the option to go back to those classic controls.
1. Final Fantasy IV (as “Final Fantasy II” on SNES, 1991)
What can I say? You already get it if you’re a FF person. If you’re not, well… I feel sorry for you. You don’t know what you’re missing. Consider this: in June of 1996 I needed a 92 on my Biology final to avoid summer school, and instead of studying I played this game. That’s how addictive and amazing this game was! The horrifying threat of summer school wasn’t enough to stop it! (got an 82 on that final, btw, and my teacher passed me for the year anyway). I still feel guilty that I haven’t played another Final Fantasy game, before or since, considering how much I love this game.
This is by no means a definitive list of the greatest games in the history of the universe. It’s just a list of my favorites.
Honorable Mentions: NHL Open Ice (Arcade), Gears of War 2 (XBox 360), River City Ransom (NES), Sonic 1 (Genesis), USA Basketball (Genesis), Smackdown vs. Raw (PS2), Fight Night Round 3 (XBox 360), Legend of Zelda (NES), Superman (Atari), UFC Undisputed 2009 (XBox 360)
10. Tecmo Super Bowl (NES, 1991)
Before EA and Madden monopolized the NFL genre, there was Tecmo. It had the real teams, the real players, and the ability to play a full season with stats. I’ve never even been a big football guy, but I still loved this game.
9. G.I. Joe (Commodore 64, 1985)
Most have never even heard of this game, but I have very fond memories of this one. A two-sided disk was required to hold this graphical monster. For some reason I recall the character selection screens featuring top names form both G.I. Joe and Cobra, including Zartan and Destro, among others.
8. 7th Guest (PC, 1993)
What an awesome game! In the early Pentium and CD-Rom days, this game was king. There were countless unique, hard-to-solve puzzles and a pretty cool story. It was sort of like Clue in a haunted house, with a whole slew of brain games.
7. NHL ’95 (Genesis, 1994)
An NHL game was bound to make this list. I chose ’95 because it was revolutionary in that it was the first to track statistics, hand out year-end-awards, etc. It took the greatness that everybody remembers of ’94 and upped it several notches.
6. Mike Tyson’s Punch-Out (NES, 1987)
From Glass Joe all the way to Kid Dynamite, this game was pure fun. Everybody who ever owned a Nintendo had to love this game. I can still remember the excitement I felt the first time I knocked out Iron Mike. Give him a call at 007-373-5963.
5. WWF No Mercy (N64, 2000)
WrestleMania 2000 was great, No Mercy was better. The best gameplay in any wrestling game, bar none, with a phenomenal create-a-wrestler engine. Kev and I spent countless hours playing this one in college. His Bob Backlund creation is legendary.
4. Baseball Stars (NES, 1989)
This is what a baseball game is supposed to be. Creating players and powering up their stats to reflect real-life counterparts was a blast. My brother and I played season after season in this game, and it never got old– excellent controls and graphics. Amazingly, this game still holds up pretty well 20 years later.
3. Star Wars (Arcade, 1983)
I can remember playing this one in the arcades and feeling as if I was actually flying an X-Wing through the death star trench. The cockpit style machine matched with the vector graphics made this one of the coolest video game experiences ever.
2. WrestleFest (Arcade, 1991)
Whether you’re playing the Royal Rumble or Saturday Night’s Main Event tag team matches, WrestleFest delivered in every way imaginable. My favorite characters in this game were Mr. Perfect and The Earthquake, but all of them were cool. I got so good that I could beat it on a single quarter– approximately 15 minutes of playtime. It seems like just yesterday I was playing this at the Caribbean Beach resort in between trips to Epcot and MGM Studios.
1. GTA IV (XBox 360, 2008)
Simply put, this game is a masterpiece. It’s the most entertaining and complete experience of any video game ever made. Liberty City feels so incredibly real. Driving around, not even worrying about advancing the story or playing the side missions, is remarkable. Throw in tremendous characters, storylines, dialogue, etc. I am not one for long games, nor am I usually willing to put the necessary time in required to beat a game. However, with GTA, every hour was enjoyable. Even after beating the game, I went on to finish the Lost and Damned add-on which was a great game in and of itself. If you haven’t played Grand Theft Auto IV, you must.
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