Posts Tagged ‘battle’

Battle Mode: Cereal Mascots

Ah, Tony. One of the most beloved–and misunderstood–cereal mascots of all time. Most people would be quick to put their money on Tony winning this one because after all, he’s the best at all sports, right? Wrong. Go onto youtube and watch those commercials again. Tony typically finds a kid who sucks at sports, accepts a challenge on their behalf (seriously Tony, shut the fuck up!), gives them his cereal and then gets an assist on whatever it is the schmuck kid wins. The key word in the last sentence is “assist.” Tony never wins shit!

Sugar Bear, on the other hand, will beat the shit out of any creature on gods green earth–while high.


Let’s get right to the point, shall we? The big question in this one is whether or not Frankenberry is strong enough to handle all the tricks the Cap’n has stored under his hat (sometimes literally). Frankenberry is a pretty thick guy–however in past commercials it is always shown that he has the courage of a squirrel. Frankenberry also loses points for losing his lifelong battle with his arch-rival Count Chocula (you don’t see Frankenberry for sale anymore, do you?). Not to mention, and let’s be honest here, pink isn’t exactly a masculine color.

Cap’n Crunch, meanwhile, has been around for over forty years foiling Soggies, Pirates, bad times, and whatever other antagonists come his way. He’s bound to know a trick or two to defeat Frankenberry, like hitting him in the teeth with an anchor, for example.


Holy fuck, it’s just mean to pair these two up against eachother. A full-blown addict vs a recovering addict. Here’s how I see it playing out…

Rabbit asks Sonny to get him some Trix. Sonny politely declines, telling Rabbit that he’s trying to stay off cereal. Rabbit promises Cocoa Puffs for Sonny if he could score some Trix for him, Sonny again refuses, angrier than before. Rabbit persists, eventually causing Sonny to cave, as usual. Sonny goes Cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs, manically bounces around town for a few hours, and crashes hard in an alley somewhere. At no point does Sonny remember to score Trix for Rabbit.

Sonny wakes up hungover, hangs his head, and checks back into rehab. When he leaves rehab and goes back to his apartment (nest?) he finds Rabbit waiting for him, and Rabbit is none too happy. When Sonny can’t produce the Trix, Rabbit breaks his leg. Rabbit tells Sonny he’s got 24 hours to make good on the deal or else the next beating will be worse. Sonny contacts some old friends, looking for Trix, but is unsuccessful–because as we all know: Trix are for kids. With an hour to go before his deadline, Sonny panicks and grabs a Malt-o-Meal knockoff, hoping Rabbit wont notice once it’s in the bowl.

Now, I’m a fan of Malt-o-Meal. In general, the difference between them and the big wigs is minimal. Rabbit, on the other hand, doesn’t fuck around when it comes to Trix.

Sonny is found later that afternoon on the sidewalk, a victim of an apparent slip-and-fall off a roof.


Now we’re getting into the supernatural (as if murderous, talking, cartoon mascots weren’t enough). The leprechaun vs the vampire. Count Chocula could potentially take everyone on this list, what with being impervious to violence, the ability to turn into a bat, heightened strength and sesnses, whatever it is you believe a vampire does. Technically he should have no problem with a little shrimp like Lucky, right?

Wrong! This fight is practically a fucking no-contest! Lucky is a magical leprechaun! If Chocula goes after him, all Lucky has to do is conjure up a yellow sun to burn up his vampire ass, am I right?

Disagree? How do you think Lucky came up with THIS CEREAL? Because he annihilated Count Chocula and stole his legacy, that’s why.


Battle Mode: Video Game Characters

Wayne_GretzkyGord Tep: The Great One is on anybody’s all-time list of superior athletes. However, let’s be honest, fighting is hardly his specialty. Hell, the guy won the Lady Byng Trophy five times. Goomba may just waddle back and forth, but his goal is to kill. In fact, if he simply nicks you, you die. Gretzky will skate around trying to avoid physical contact at all costs. Since this is a fight, and Goomba seemingly goes on forever, Gretz will eventually get tired of dodging and bite the dust. #99 may be an incredibly well-conditioned athlete, but since these battles occur without a time limit, Goomba’s persistence will outlast Wayne’s attempted pacifism. WINNER: GOOMBA

Ham City Kev: Did Bowser kidnap Janet Jones? Is Goomba in Gretzky’s way? Even if that’s not the case, you gotta figure Wayne’s survival instinct would kick in during such an encounter. Since body checking is not his thing, one slap shot from the Great One should be enough to take out the Goomba. WINNER: WAYNE GRETZKY

HCK: Gotta go with Mario here, and really, it’s no contest. He’s got too many weapons! All he needs to defeat Sonic is 2 things: first, a Tanooki Suit to dodge the Sonic attack, followed by the classic Fire Flower to toast Sonic’s ass. If Sonic wants to get cute with run-ins from Tails, Knuckles, etc, he can try it. Allowing Luigi into the battle just doubles the Mario Bros arsenal. WINNER: MARIO

GT: Is the P-Wing legal? What about Sonic’s super shoes? I always referred to them as Reebok Pumps. Luigi and Toad are worthless, and the Princess can only fly in dreams (e.g., Mario 2). I’ll say that Sonic’s high-definition graphics will overwhelm Mario’s little pixelated ass. He’ll roll through Mario in high speed like a boulder against Indy. WINNER: SONIC

GT: This battle should take place at the Mid-South Coliseum, or the Sportatorium, or the Pontiac Silverdome, or some other old arena that held wrestling events in the 1980s and no longer exists. Donkey Kong sure has the edge in terms of brute strength, but Pac Man is an automatic victor if power pellets are legal. Pac will likely run the risk of failing a test for performance enhancers because he’ll already have eaten Donkey Kong by the time the test is administered. Ms. Pac Man could also play the Jessica Lange role and distract DK. WINNER: PAC MAN

HCK: If the great Patrick Swayze has taught us anything (and he has), it’s that ghosts are intangible unless motivated by vengeance. I imagine with names like Inky, Blinky, Pinky, and Clyde, Pacman’s ghost pals are not the vengeful sort. One would then assume that Pacman is such a wimp that he dies when touched by something intangible! Even if you don’t buy into that philosophy, Pacman is constantly getting pwned by guys named Inky, Blinky, PINKY, and Clyde, for fuck’s sake! At least with a name like Mario, one can pretend that DK’s nemesis might have connections to the mafia. One barrel from Kong is more than enough for Pacman to choke on. WINNER: DONKEY KONG

HCK: Sure, Samus has one of the greatest arsenals of any video game character in history. But Ryu’s a ninja. Samus would be dead without even seeing what hit her. WINNER: RYU HAYABUSA

GT: Saaaaamus, a word with you. If Samus is in the Samus suit, she has a chance. If that Ninja Gai-den-hay guy from the Wizard is controlling Hayabusa, he wins. I didn’t really care much for either of these games, so I’m booking a draw and going to get popcorn at the concession stand. WINNER: NONE

GT: I’m guessing Ryu beat Ken in the qualifying match on Raw after HBK took out Bundy. Anyway, since Sub-Zero is an actual human being and Ryu is a cartoon, the Mortal Kombat superstar comes out on top– via fatality or nudality (if somebody from Prodigy in 1995 gave a genuine code). WINNER: SUB ZERO

HCK: Ryu dragon punches waterfalls in his spare time–and he’s supposed to be afraid of some icicles? 10 bucks says Ryu is prepared to fight honorably when Sub Zero slips him up by freezing the floor. Sub Zero then tries to cheez Ryu by sweeping the leg every time Ryu attempts to stand up, but eventually the sweep is blocked. Ryu says, “oh, we’re cheezing are we?” and slips into Champion Edition mode, firing hadoken after hadoken. 30 fireballs later, Ryu stands over Sub Zero’s body and shouts, “HIER EES SUB SEERO! NOW… PLAYN SEERO!” WINNER: RYU

HCK: Both teams can take a ton of punishment, but there’s one major difference: 7 or 8 punches will knock down the Double Dragon Duo, whereas Coffey and Bourque… well, I’m just not sure if knocking them down is even possible, to be frank. Once Billy and Jimmy are down, I just don’t see Paul and Ray letting them back up. Perhaps the better matchup here would be Coffey & Borque vs the 2 Abobos in Level 3 (those fucks). WINNER: PAUL COFFEY & RAY BOURQUE

GT: “Bimmy” and Jimmy don’t stand a chance against the 77s. You can make their heads bleed in this one, Mikey. WINNER: PAUL COFFEY & RAY BOURQUE

FATAL 4-WAY, ELIMINATION STYLE: LINK (Zelda) vs LITTLE MAC (Mike Tyson’s Punch Out) vs SIMON (Castlevania) vs MEGAMAN
GT: Little Mac knocked out Mike F’n Tyson in his prime. Nobody in the world could do that. Link needs swords that shoot electric swords or candles or magic flutes; Mac only needs his fists. Megaman and Simon can battle to the back because nobody cares about them. WINNER: LITTLE MAC

HCK: Agreed (though plenty of people care about Megaman and Simon, Gordo). Simon, Megaman, and Link all have pretty straight-forward attacks, nothing Mac can’t dodge easily and counter attack. Mac over Simon, Link over Megaman, Mac over Link. WINNER: LITTLE MAC. There are ways to? buy bulk ammo online these days for real for safety purposes but one must have good responsibility.

UNSTOPPABLE FORCE MATCH: MIKE TYSON (Punch-Out) VS BOB BACKLUND (Ham City Kev’s legendary CAW for N64′s WWF No Mercy)backlund
HCK: Yeah, we threw in an inside reference for the final battle. How good was my Backlund creation? Well, all you readers remember how insanely tough Tyson was, correct? My Backlund would stretch Tyson so hard he’d shit himself. Backlund would then reach down Tyson’s shorts and force feed Kid Dynamite his own feces. You see, it’s not enough for my Backlund CAW to break his opponent’s body. He cannot rest until his opponent’s spirit is broken as well. WINNER: THE BOB BACKLUND CAW

GT: Backlund walking on his knees, making his weird bug-eyed face from the hour-mark of the ’93 Rumble. Even his maxed stats are no match for Tyson’s devastating uppercuts and jabs. Only a Buster Douglas CAW would stand a chance. Backlund might win with practice, but it takes a few times to get the timing down. Backlund could potentially win a best of seven series. There’s just no way he’s winning the first match. WINNER: MIKE TYSON

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