Author Archive

Ham City Kev’s Top 10 Old-School Game Tunes

Video game music has come a long way, but it’s nice to revisit the golden age. Here are my votes for the Top 10 Tunes from the 8 and 16 bit eras.

10. Generic NES Sports Game - Simple nostalgia, nothing else.
09. Excitebike - Simple nostalgia, plus it’s hilarious.
08. Tetris – Heard this music WAYYY more than the popular GameBoy theme.
07. Green Hill Zone – Im in my neighbor’s basement, instantly.
06. Marioland – My favorite of all Mario themes, a high honor.
05. Rush N Attack – Great soundtrack for a stabbing spree.
04. Dr Wily Theme - What list would be complete without it?
03. Double Dragon - I’d love to see a Tyson highlight video set to this music
02. Final Fantasy 4 – If you’ve played it, you get it.
01. Contra Base - Nothing’s better. I wish all FPS’s had an option to turn this theme on.

Ham City Kev’s Top 10 All-Time TV Shows

Anybody out there give a shit? Me neither. But for the hell of it, here it is. Let your judgment of my taste begin.

Honorable mentions: American Dad, Aqua Teen Hunger Force, Beavis and Butthead, Curb Your Enthusiasm, Monty Python’s Flying Circus, Robot Chicken, South Park, Star Trek: Deep Space Nine, The Wire.

10. Reno 911 (86 episodes; 2003-2009)
Favorite Character: Terry
Favorite Quote: “I’m just goofin’. I’m just new boot goofin’.”
Quick reasons why: Making fun of every race, color, and creed; awesome character development.

9. Married With Children (261 episodes; 1987-1997)
Favorite Character: Al Boondy!
Favorite Quote: “I’d say it behind your back, but my car’s only got half a tank of gas!”
Quick reasons why: Lightning quick wit; top notch insult humor; kinship with Al.

8. Mystery Science Theater: 3000 (198 episodes; 1988-1999)
Favorite Character: Tom Servo
Favorite Quote: “ooh, right in the store!”
Quick reasons why: Vast range of humor, from Bronze Age references to dick jokes.

7. Family Guy (150+ episodes; 1999-2002, 2005-present)
Favorite Character: Peter Griffin
Favorite Quote: “Whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa. Whoa. Whoa. Lois this is not my Batman glass!”
Quick reasons why: All the Gen-X references are hysterical, why else?

6. Star Trek: Enterprise (98 episodes; 2001-2005)
Favorite Character: Captain Archer.
Favorite Quote: “Optimism doesn’t alter the laws of physics.”
Quick reasons why: The greatness of Season 3; Archer’s deathwish; plugging holes in the canon; underdog Trek show.

5. Star Trek: the Next Generation (176 episodes; 1987-1994)
Favorite Character: Captain Picard.
Favorite Quote: “Spot! Come here!
Quick reasons why: Science fiction at its finest.

4. Seinfeld (174 episodes; 1990-1998)
Favorite Character: George Costanza
Favorite Quote: “Jerry, the Mets lost.”
Quick reasons why: Greatest quartet in TV history; brought everyone’s neuroses to the surface.

3. The State (29 episodes; 1993-1995)
Favorite Cast Member: Kevin Allison
Favorite Quote: “I’m in your home, covered in lotion!”
Quick reasons why: Literally 99% of the sketches were epically funny; greatest soundtrack in TV history (not on dvd)

2. Twin Peaks (30 episodes; 1990-1991)
Favorite Character: Coop!
Favorite Quote: “There was a fish—IN the percolator!”
Quick reasons why: Amazing ensemble of characters; can still give me chills every time; beautifully walked the line between funny and strange.

1. The Simpsons (450+ episodes; 1989-present)
Favorite Character: Homer.
Favorite Quote: [Homer singing] Take me out to the ballgame, take me out to the ballllllllllll-ahhh!
Quick reasons why: I’ve seen all 450+ episodes, and never ever, not once, have I said “that episode sucked.” Truly, the greatest, most remarkable show in history.

Ham City Kev’s 30 Favorite Movie Antagonists

Nothing fancy, just a list. Tweeners like Hannibal Lecter, Sgt Hartman, and Tyler Durden were disqualified; as were real-life villains such as Amon Goeth and Adolf Hitler.

01 The Joker (Heath Ledger, The Dark Knight)
02 Stansfield (Gary Oldman, The Professional)
03 Big Ern McCracken (Bill Murray, Kingpin)
04 Biff Tannen (Tom Wilson, Back to the Future)
05 Lee Woo-jin (Yu Ji-tai, Oldboy)
06 John Doe (Kevin Spacey, Seven)
07 La femme (Beatrice Dalle, Inside)
08 Col. Hans Landa (Christoph Waltz, Inglourious Basterds)
09 Lex Luthor (Gene Hackman, Superman)
10 Sean Nokes (Kevin Bacon, Sleepers)

11 Frank Booth (Dennis Hopper, Blue Velvet)
12 Alex Forrest (Glenn Close, Fatal Attraction)
13 Bohdi (Patrick Swayze, Point Break)
14 Agent Smith (Hugo Weaving, The Matrix)
15 T1000 (Robert Patrick, Terminator 2)
16 Hans Gruber (Alan Rickman, Die Hard)
17 Night Porter (Michael Elphick, The Elephant Man)
18 Lil’ Ze (Leandro Fermino, City of God)
19 The Borg (Star Trek: First Contact)
20 Predator (Kevin Peter Hall, Predator)

21
Ivan Drago
(Dolph Lundgren, Rocky IV)
22 Ace Merrill (Kiefer Sutherland, Stand By Me)
23 Pat Healy (Matt Dillon, There’s Something About Mary)
24 Johnny Lawrence (William Zabka, The Karate Kid)
25 Oliver Lang (Tim Robbins, Arlington Road)
26 T-Rex (Jurassic Park)
27 snakes (Snakes on a Plane)
28 Annie Wilkes (Kathy Bates, Misery)
29 Teddy KGB (John Malkovich, Rounders)
30 Jerry Hathaway (William Atheron, Real Genius)

 

And to think Darth Vader, formerly my all-time favorite, didn’t even crack this list. That’s how damaging the prequels were to me.

Ham City Kev’s 2010 MLB Post-Season predictions

Hello again everybody. It was a short summer and the Mets did practically nothing to make mine exciting. Speaking of baseball, here it is: my predictions for this year’s post-season.

A few thoughts first…

  • There are no locks for anything this year. I’d say the Braves and the Reds have no chance, but baseball has a funny way of seeing inferior teams get hot in October and becoming unbeatable. Therefore, no guarantees.
  • Nice to see every team in the playoffs have at least 90 wins. It’s the first time we’ve had it since 2004.
  • The Phillies certainly look unstoppable, but to win 3 pennants in a row might just be too much. Funny thing is, Gord and I have seen the pennant three-peat happen twice in our lives: the Athletics in 88, 89, and 90; and the Yankees in 98, 99, and 00 (and later 01, but nevermind that now). Could the Phillies make it 08, 09, 10? Is this really something that now happens exactly once every ten years?
  • MAN I hope we get to see November baseball in Minnesota! Where would Bud Selig watch from, the 32-degree front row or a heated luxury suite in the magnificent new Target Field–home to a team he wanted to contract 8 years ago? How about a Phillies/Twins Fall Classic? It could be the first time the temperature never rises above 50 in the Series! Hey Bud, thanks for letting TV dictate baseball’s schedule! Really, you’re doing an admirable job.
  • Last year I saw the Twins send off the Metrodome the right way, and this year I saw them do a perfect job with Target Field. Because these are 2 things the Mets simply couldn’t do, I adopted the Twins as my AL team out of admiration. So, sorry Twins fans, you’re doomed.

Anyway, onto the predictions:

DIVISIONAL SERIES
Cincinatti Reds vs Philadelphia Phillies:
Reds finished 20-33 against winning teams and were only 34-34 outside the NL Central. Phillies have Halladay, Oswalt, and Hamels. Sorry Cincy. Phillies in 3.

Atlanta Braves vs San Francisco Giants: Braves backed into the playoffs (an alarming trend amongst this year’s “elite”) and simply do not look like the same team they were throughout the summer. The Giants big 3 starters are second only to the Phillies. Giants in 3.

New York Yankees vs Minnesota Twins: Ugh… again? I’ll say that this is the best shot the Twins have ever had to beat the Yankees, and that Target Field could give them a huge boost, but it’s the fucking Yankees. Unfortunately, you just don’t bet against them. I’ve learned that lesson many times. And who cares if the Yankees are playing like garbage, so are the Twins! So were the Cards and Tigers in 2006 and the Yankees in fucking shithead 2000. It means nothing. Yankees in 4.

Texas Rangers vs Tampa Bay Rays: The Rangers are the only team in the AL that didn’t stumble to the finish, but their 44-43 record outside of the West is troubling. Still, in a short series I think they have a great chance at upsetting the Rays. This series above all other could go either way. I’ll go out on a limb and say Rangers in 4.

LEAGUE CHAMPIONSHIP SERIES
San Francisco Giants vs Philadelphia Phillies:
Pitching fans rejoice–until you remember that the Phils and their Fisher Price ballpark have home field advantage. The Giants starting 3 are fantastic, but I’ll give the Phils’ counterparts the edge due to their experience and ability to pitch well in Philly. Phillies in 5. Oh crap, I see where this is heading…

New York Yankees vs Texas Rangers: As if Twins fans won’t be suffering enough from another loss at the hands of the Yankees, here we go again with the Rangers. The big difference between now and 1996, 1998, and 1999 is that the Rangers finally have pitching, but don’t be shocked if the Yankees rotation miraculously falls in line here and balls start bouncing their way. Yankees in 5.

WORLD SERIES
New York Yankees vs Philadelphia Phillies:
AGAIN! Why not? The 2 most disgusting fan bases in baseball for America’s enjoyment. Met fans suffering through another 2 weeks of “who are you rooting for?” (I’m rooting for a stadium collapse, as usual). Me watching the whole series on mute because I can’t stand to hear either fanbase happy (also to save myself from Buck and McCarver, but that’s a given). One year later and the Phillies are a better team, the Yankees a worse one. For this prediction, I revert to history: The Yankees always win championships in bunches. Maybe this is an off year and they’ll pick up a pair in 2011 and 2012, but my gut tells me I’ll be suffering through another Yankees championship and another unfortunate incident of the Wild Card coming out on top. Shout all you want about Halladay, Oswalt, and Hamels, but the Braves of the 90s proved that formula doesn’t always work. It would be FANTASTIC if–for the first time ever–the home team loses every World Series game, but I’ll say: Yankees in 6.

God dammit.

Thank God For YouTube – ’80s HBO intro

GordTep.com presents: Thank God For YouTube! Here we will showcase random, unrelated media that for whatever reason left an impact on us. In the best case scenario you will see something you haven’t seen in over 15 years yet remember like it was yesterday. Today we have…

Talk about epic.

If this didn’t get you pumped up to sit on your couch for 2 hours, nothing could. Movies felt like a much bigger deal with intros likes this. The other old school HBO intro brings back plenty of good memories as well, but those memories are more in the after-school variety, more dime-a-dozen. This 75-second intro was fucking special.

My biggest connection with this is probably Superman II, which my parents taped off HBO early on. The connection is certainly an easy one, what with the sequence ending in space and Superman II beginning in it.

For more on ’80s nostalgia and the Superman movies, stay tuned to the next 2 episodes of 300 Bucks Damage!

Thank God For YouTube – Warner Home Video

GordTep.com presents: Thank God For YouTube! Here we will showcase random, unrelated media that for whatever reason left an impact on us. In the best case scenario you will see something you haven’t seen in over 15 years yet remember like it was yesterday. Today we have…

We all know this clip. We’ve seen it a million times on countless VHS tapes growing up. I’m just curious to see if everyone connects this intro with a specific movie.

For me, hands down, it’s Pee Wee’s Big Adventure. The first time I saw this clip it was before Pee Wee, and to my very young ears it seemed the cheezy intro music was specific to the movie because it sounded enough like the rest of Danny Elfman’s classic soundtrack. In the following year or two I would always be confused why different Warner Bros VHS tapes used “the Pee Wee music,” until I came to the conclusion that Warner Bros just really liked the Pee Wee “version” and decided to always use it, regardless of the movie, as we had a big tv with a corner mount tv installation, so it was great to watch TV here.

Yeah, I came to a lot of dumb conclusions as a kid. Regardless, later in life I would always associate that intro with Pee Wee. Always. A while back, I was saddened to pop in the Pee Wee’s Big Adventure dvd and not see it. It’s just not the same.

(This may be a weak entry to the annals of “Thank God For YouTube,” but the fact alone that this clip lives on YouTube means I’m not unique in my nostalgia for it. If you also have a fond memory attached to it, please leave a comment and let us know. I’ll be back in a bit with more at-home movie nostalgia–only next time it’ll be much more epic.)

Ham City Kev’s 2009 Awards

A shitty year to end a shitty decade. 2010 ain’t looking up either. Oh well, here’s how 2009 was in my world:

CONCERT OF THE YEAR

Metallica
Madison Square Garden
November 14.

2009 was a pretty fucking slow concert year for me: only 5 shows. The quantity was low, however the quality was pretty solid. The Virgo took me to see Nightwish at the Nokia Theater on May 2, which was cool. On August 26 we were at Terminal 5 for the “last ever” Nine Inch Nails show in New York. It was sadly (although not entirely unexpected) a lousy show, not helped in the least by the sweatbox, deathtrap, dogshit venue that is Terminal 5. Seeing the reformed Alice in Chains at Irving Plaza on September 8 runs a close second to the Metallica show. A few nights later marked my 12th Rasputina show (clip from different show), this time at the revamped Knitting Factory in Brooklyn. A solid venue, despite the annoying hipster-friendly area.

Then, finally, Metallica in November. It was only the second time I’ve seen them, the first being the St Anger (ugh) tour in 2004. On that night, I heard none of my beloved Kill ‘em All. On this night, despite the awesome setlist, still no Kill ‘em All for me–until they closed the show with Whiplash and Seek and Destroy. Fuck yeah! It was the icing on the cake. Hearing Turn the Page–a karaoke favorite of mine–was another huge treat.

ALBUM OF THE YEAR

Really?

Wow, what a total shit year for me musically. I’m not saying AIC’s comeback album is bad, it’s just not that special. And yet, who’s competing with them? Rammstein’s new album pretty much sucked, and Dethklok‘s sophomore release was pretty tired the first time I listened to it. Am I missing anyone else? Someone please tell me. Until I hear from you, Alice wins by default, which is fucking sad–both for the award and for the band.

MOVIE OF THE YEAR

They changed the original ending–one of my favorite endings of all time–and I still love this movie. That’s a tribute to director Zack Snyder for his painstaking efforts to keep this movie as close to the original 1986 comic mini-series (with the exception of the previously mentioned altered ending) as possible. And c’mon now, can you argue that this isn’t the coolest movie intro of all time? There’s just something about re-creating the Kennedy assassination, complete with splattered brains, that says, “buckle up folks, this movie’s going to be different.” You gotta love a movie that has balls like that.

As far as Watchmen’s competition at the box office this year, I can’t say I saw a lot of other movies. I missed out on big names like Transformers and Terminator due to complete lack of interest. Of the other nine 2009-released movies I saw this year, only 2 gave Watchmen a run for its money. Star Trek was fun, and JJ Abrams deserves a lot of credit for being able to drastically alter the Trek timeline while being absolutely respectful to the fanbase at the same time (and all the in-jokes that were cleverly sprinkled in for the fans were certainly appreciated). The Road was horribly depressing, and very very very well done. However, neither were anywhere near as fun to watch as Watchmen. I may not have seen every movie released in 2009, but I find it hard to believe there’s one better than this.

And for the record, Avatar sucked.

FAIL OF THE YEAR

CITI FIELD

If you want to peruse a wide variety of foods or go on a baseball shopping spree, Citi Field is great. If you want to watch a baseball game, not so much.

We Met fans were told a lot of lies about Citi Field going into the season. We were told there were no obstructed views in the park, and there turned out to be blind spots everywhere–literally. We were told all areas of Citi Field would be accessible to fans, and yet everyone who tries to walk along the second level of seating without a ticket is not allowed access. We were told we’d be blown away, and… we weren’t.

But the lies weren’t the biggest problem. The most frustrating aspect of Citi Field is all the areas in which the Mets could have scored an easy “A” and yet failed miserably, namely: the total and complete lack of Mets history. The unfitting black-colored outfield walls, which were black because a more Met-like blue wall–we were told–wouldn’t work (really?). The total absence of posters, signage, or even blue and orange paint. The fact that it took hundreds of blog entries around the internet like this one to even get our playoff achievements displayed, and even that they fucked up at first. The same can be said about celebrating our former great players within the park, and when they finally listened to us we were supposed to be happy with hidden displays like this.

This is all just the tip of the iceberg. I’m not even going to get into head-scratcher shit like the stupid ugly tarps they threw above the bullpens because I’ve already gone on too long.

Bottom line: it doesn’t feel like home. Granted, a winning ballclub would go a long ways in that respect, and we’ve been made more promises about making it more Mets-centric in 2010, but this is a 2009 review–and in 2009, Citi-Field was nothing more than an over-priced, over-hyped ballpark the Mets seemed to be temporarily subletting until a new, more Met-centered home was built (or until the Dodgers came back from LA). That would explain why we weren’t allowed to paint or hang pictures, or why we didn’t bother unpacking any of the Mets-history stuff.

WIN OF THE YEAR

PILGRIMAGE TO CEDAR POINT
Sandusky, OH

As I said after I got back, if you’re a roller coaster fan and have toyed with planning a trip to The Roller Coaster Capital of the World: stop toying with it, just go. It’s more than worth it. Crackerman, Siamese Dream, the Virgo and I drove all the way from Queens to spend 2 full days there, and it wasn’t enough. For those who aren’t into roller coasters, you just don’t know. Cedar Point is Coaster Mecca. This is not an exaggeration.

Cedar Point is fucking magic. Where to begin? How about jolt we all got when we first laid eyes on it over the horizon and realized after years of dreaming, “holy shit, we’re actually here. We are actually fucking HERE.” Or maybe our first trip down Millennium Force‘s 300 foot drop at 90+ mph. Or later on during our first day when the bliss that is Maverick somehow bumped Great Adventure’s El Toro out of my Number One Coaster spot. Or the non-coaster thrill rides I wasn’t even considering when we planned the trip like Skyhawk and Power Tower. Or after a day filled with thrill rides and 15 roller coasters, a soothing walk through the stunning Starlight Experience to calm the adrenaline, followed by a dip in our hotel hot tub at 10pm, a walk along the Sandusky beach at 11pm, and frozen drinks until it’s time for bed, as we drift to sleep with the Millennium Force music still happily playing in our heads.

Cedar Point is the fucking best.

Six Flags Great Adventure, our home park, is certainly nothing to shake a stick at. It’s widely accepted as one of the premiere coaster parks in the world. And yet, Cedar Point blows it out of the water–not just for all the reasons listed above, but for what I believe is the most important intangible factor: the staff. It’s a weird thing to celebrate, but it’s deserved. Those kids are probably making nothing yet they couldn’t be happier to work there (it seemed that way anyways–and isn’t that all that counts?). They were having fun with eachother, having fun with the rides, and having fun with the guests. Fun was in the air, and it was intoxicating. You couldn’t help but be on top of the world. Sometimes literally.

Hands down, Win of the Year. Thanks again to Crackerman, Siamese Dream, and the Virgo for making it happen.

“All clear, you’re outta here… enjoy the rest of the day at Cedar Point, America’s Roller Coast. Ride on!”

Thank God For YouTube – Stetson is Easy For You

GordTep.com presents: Thank God For YouTube! Here we will showcase random, unrelated media that–for whatever reason–left an impact on us. In the best case scenario you will see something you haven’t seen in over 15 years yet remember like it was yesterday. Today we have…

Sorry for not posting in a while, it’s been quite a hectic month. Anyway, consider this a Season’s Greetings from me to you. Christmas just isn’t the same without this fucking ad, is it? That’s right: it’s better without it. For whatever reason this commercial popped into my head last night, and just like it always used to do, it’s taken up residence in my brain and refusing to fucking leave. Because I’m such a nice guy I figured I’d share my pain.

I hated this goddam ad. First off, a given: the song is fucking irritating. Secondly, how is a cologne “easy for you”? EASY HOW?! And finally, what the fuck is a cowboy with 2 horses doing in Central Park? And why 2 horses if the woman is just going to ride with guy the whole time? Did they want to have the woman on the other horse but on the day of the shoot they found out she couldn’t ride it properly, so they stuck her with the cowboy? Was there supposed to be a second set of cowboy and cowgirl in the commercial but someone didn’t show up so they scrapped the second pair but used the extra horse for the hell of it anyway? Were 2 horses ordered for the shoot by mistake and the production company decided to get their money’s worth out of it? I WANT TO KNOW!

Furthermore, why wait until the last moment to reveal they’re in a city setting? Is that supposed to be some kind of swerve? Did the original version not have that last shot, leading Mr Stetson to tell an ad exec, “it’s too country, I need city folk to feel comfortable wearing it. Throw in a skyline that appeals to them. I want it to be easy for them to make that purchase.” Eh? Whadda ya think? Am I onto something? No?

Screw you then. Merry Christmas. When this song is still in your head 3 days from now, think of me–and dammit, come up with some answers.

Favorite Underappreciated Fictional Characters – Grandpa Gustafson

Welcome to another edition of “Favorite Underappreciated Fictional Characters.” In this series, Gord and I will discuss fictional characters we loved in the 80s and 90s who, for whatever reason, didn’t get the cred they deserved for being awesome. Sometimes they were too obscure for the public eye, sometimes they were simply overshadowed by a fellow character, etc. Here at GordTep.com, we are happy and proud to give them the praise they deserve. This week, we have…

GRANDPA GUSTAFSON

Seriously, have you SEEN the Grumpy Old Men movies? Is there one–ONE–single line that comes out of Burgess Meredith’s mouth that isn’t funny?

I gotta be honest here, I don’t know what to write without turning it into a memorable quotes post. Grandpa Gustafson is kind of an idol for me. I’d do well to live to 95, drinking, smoking, and eating bacon the whole way–while being a funny ass motherfucker to boot.

Grandpa Gustafson, God may have forgotten about you, but I certainly didn’t. I salute you.

Thank God for YouTube – Encyclopedia Britannica Douche

GordTep.com presents: Thank God For YouTube! Here we will showcase random, unrelated media that–for whatever reason–left an impact on us. In the best case scenario you will see something you haven’t seen in over 15 years yet remember like it was yesterday. Today we have…



I’m not proud of posting this. Few commercials in this world have annoyed me more. Everyone remembers this douche taking up a whole minute of commercial time during our cartoons. No bright colors or flashing lights or cool toys to keep us entertained, just disgusting arrogance with a sprinkle of school work and a whole lotta bland, boring white background. The only reason I’m posting it here is because I want to join others in announcing to the whole world:

Fuck this guy. Fuck him and his mandibula.

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