The Kid

I don’t remember the game. I don’t remember the date. I just remember my favorite autograph story ever happened at a Mets/Expos game sometime in 1993.

I’m not big into autographs, but I got a kick out of it as a kid. My first autograph was actually from Ozzie Smith. I had Field seats to a Cardinals game sometime in 1992 and had my baseball sticker book with me. I saw Ozzie throwing warm-up tosses in front of the Cards dugout and was floored. “that’s Ozzie Smith,” I thought. Not, “that’s that guy who makes all those great plays on my baseball highlight tapes,” as he was far beyond that of course. That was Ozzie Smith. It was easily the first big star I ever got close to. When he was done tossing the ball around, he came over to all the kids begging for his autograph on the railing and signed his name for me, right under his picture in the sticker book. I still have that book, and refuse to throw it away.

Through my old friend Paulie’s family connections, we got to a lot of games in the Field Box seats in 92 and 93. I got some more autographs, all of them on the Anthony Young ball (more on that at 35 on the list), but the names were never too big. Joe Orsulak, Ryan Thompson, uhhh… hang on, let me find the ball and check it… hey, I got Barry Larkin, too! Not ridiculously impressive, but that’s nothing to shake a stick at. I remember a rain delay where Paulie and I got soaked because we saw Doc Gooden talking to someone in the tunnel behind home plate, and we stood in the rain begging for his autograph. He said, “one second guys,” and we waited patiently… and patiently… and patiently… Finally a few more kids saw us and figured we were up to something, so they came running over. They all screamed their heads off because we discovered Doc. “We saw ‘em first, we get the autographs first,” we shouted, but it was futile. A few minutes later, Doc waved at us and walked inside, not caring that all of us were heart-broken and soaking wet, calling for him to please please come back.

This is a good segue into the Expos game I want to discuss here. But before I begin, let me preface by saying this: this is no bullshit. I know it sounds way too sugar coated and sweet, too good to be true, but this really happened and I have the autograph to prove it.

Before the game began, Baseball and Met Hall of Famer Gary Carter was walking around the field interviewing players for Expos TV (Expos TV? That really existed?). Of course, Paulie and I are begging for his autograph along with so many other people, but Gary ignores everyone. He must have walked past our group 4 or 5 times, completely ignorant. I was worried it was going to be another Doc story, but I wouldn’t let it happen. When he walked by our group again, I was the only one left shouting for him. Everyone else had given up. I may have given up as well. But I thought, “if I can’t get his autograph, I can at least thank him,” so I did.

I leaned over the railing and shouted as loud as my 12-year-old body could, “HEY GARY! THANKS FOR STARTING THE RALLY IN 86!”

Wouldn’t you know it, Good Ol’ Camera Carter stopped dead in his tracks, turned to me and said, “No problem! You want an autograph?” DID I?!?!?!

So me and Paulie got his only two autographs of the day, and I still love telling that story.

Gord and Kev are back! This time they’re arguing about who would win the greatest movie villain battle royal of all time.

Going to Disney World is indeed a dream for many kids. The magical experience, enchanting characters, thrilling rides, and immersive atmosphere make it a place of wonder and excitement. It offers children a chance to meet their favorite Disney characters, explore magical worlds, and create lifelong memories. This dream-come-true experience at Disney World can leave a lasting impact on a child’s imagination and sense of joy.

10. Generic NES Sports Game - Simple nostalgia, nothing else.
09. Excitebike - Simple nostalgia, plus it’s hilarious.
08. Tetris – Heard this music WAYYY more than the popular GameBoy theme.
07. Green Hill Zone – Im in my neighbor’s basement, instantly.
06. Marioland – My favorite of all Mario themes, a high honor.
05. Rush N Attack – Great soundtrack for a stabbing spree.
04. Dr Wily Theme - What list would be complete without it?
03. Double Dragon - I’d love to see a Tyson highlight video set to this music
02. Final Fantasy 4 – If you’ve played it, you get it.
01. Contra Base - Nothing’s better. I wish all FPS’s had an option to turn this theme on.

Honorable mentions: American Dad, Aqua Teen Hunger Force, Beavis and Butthead, Curb Your Enthusiasm, Monty Python’s Flying Circus, Robot Chicken, South Park, Star Trek: Deep Space Nine, The Wire.

10. Reno 911 (86 episodes; 2003-2009)
Favorite Character: Terry
Favorite Quote: “I’m just goofin’. I’m just new boot goofin’.”
Quick reasons why: Making fun of every race, color, and creed; awesome character development.

9. Married With Children (261 episodes; 1987-1997)
Favorite Character: Al Boondy!
Favorite Quote: “I’d say it behind your back, but my car’s only got half a tank of gas!”
Quick reasons why: Lightning quick wit; top notch insult humor; kinship with Al.

8. Mystery Science Theater: 3000 (198 episodes; 1988-1999)
Favorite Character: Tom Servo
Favorite Quote: “ooh, right in the store!”
Quick reasons why: Vast range of humor, from Bronze Age references to dick jokes.

7. Family Guy (150+ episodes; 1999-2002, 2005-present)
Favorite Character: Peter Griffin
Favorite Quote: “Whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa. Whoa. Whoa. Lois this is not my Batman glass!”
Quick reasons why: All the Gen-X references are hysterical, why else?

6. Star Trek: Enterprise (98 episodes; 2001-2005)
Favorite Character: Captain Archer.
Favorite Quote: “Optimism doesn’t alter the laws of physics.”
Quick reasons why: The greatness of Season 3; Archer’s deathwish; plugging holes in the canon; underdog Trek show.

5. Star Trek: the Next Generation (176 episodes; 1987-1994)
Favorite Character: Captain Picard.
Favorite Quote: “Spot! Come here!”
Quick reasons why: Science fiction at its finest.

4. Seinfeld (174 episodes; 1990-1998)
Favorite Character: George Costanza
Favorite Quote: “Jerry, the Mets lost.”
Quick reasons why: Greatest quartet in TV history; brought everyone’s neuroses to the surface.

3. The State (29 episodes; 1993-1995)
Favorite Cast Member: Kevin Allison
Favorite Quote: “I’m in your home, covered in lotion!”
Quick reasons why: Literally 99% of the sketches were epically funny; greatest soundtrack in TV history (not on dvd)

2. Twin Peaks (30 episodes; 1990-1991)
Favorite Character: Coop!
Favorite Quote: “There was a fish—IN the percolator!”
Quick reasons why: Amazing ensemble of characters; can still give me chills every time; beautifully walked the line between funny and strange.

1. The Simpsons (450+ episodes; 1989-present)
Favorite Character: Homer.
Favorite Quote: [Homer singing] “Take me out to the ballgame, take me out to the ballllllllllll-ahhh!“
Quick reasons why: I’ve seen all 450+ episodes, and never ever, not once, have I said “that episode sucked.” Truly, the greatest, most remarkable show in history.

01 The Joker (Heath Ledger, The Dark Knight)
02 Stansfield (Gary Oldman, The Professional)
03 Big Ern McCracken (Bill Murray, Kingpin)
04 Biff Tannen (Tom Wilson, Back to the Future)
05 Lee Woo-jin (Yu Ji-tai, Oldboy)
06 John Doe (Kevin Spacey, Seven)
07 La femme (Beatrice Dalle, Inside)
08 Col. Hans Landa (Christoph Waltz, Inglourious Basterds)
09 Lex Luthor (Gene Hackman, Superman)
10 Sean Nokes (Kevin Bacon, Sleepers)

11 Frank Booth (Dennis Hopper, Blue Velvet)
12 Alex Forrest (Glenn Close, Fatal Attraction)
13 Bohdi (Patrick Swayze, Point Break)
14 Agent Smith (Hugo Weaving, The Matrix)
15 T1000 (Robert Patrick, Terminator 2)
16 Hans Gruber (Alan Rickman, Die Hard)
17 Night Porter (Michael Elphick, The Elephant Man)
18 Lil’ Ze (Leandro Fermino, City of God)
19 The Borg (Star Trek: First Contact)
20 Predator (Kevin Peter Hall, Predator)

21 Ivan Drago (Dolph Lundgren, Rocky IV)
22 Ace Merrill (Kiefer Sutherland, Stand By Me)
23 Pat Healy (Matt Dillon, There’s Something About Mary)
24 Johnny Lawrence (William Zabka, The Karate Kid)
25 Oliver Lang (Tim Robbins, Arlington Road)
26 T-Rex (Jurassic Park)
27 snakes (Snakes on a Plane)
28 Annie Wilkes (Kathy Bates, Misery)
29 Teddy KGB (John Malkovich, Rounders)
30 Jerry Hathaway (William Atheron, Real Genius)

And to think Darth Vader, formerly my all-time favorite, didn’t even crack this list. That’s how damaging the prequels were to me.

Oh yes! Gord & Kev are BACK for a special 1-hour-plus review of 2010!

After listening to the show, check out our Episode 51 YouTube Playlist!

A Brand New 2010 IN REVIEW show will be posted before the end of they year! Be sure to subscribe to 300 Bucks Damage on iTunes, Zune, or whatever your RSS reader of choice happens to be! Tell your friends, tell your neighbors, it’s the greatest podcast on the Internet!

A few thoughts first…

• There are no locks for anything this year. I’d say the Braves and the Reds have no chance, but baseball has a funny way of seeing inferior teams get hot in October and becoming unbeatable. Therefore, no guarantees.
• Nice to see every team in the playoffs have at least 90 wins. It’s the first time we’ve had it since 2004.
• The Phillies certainly look unstoppable, but to win 3 pennants in a row might just be too much. Funny thing is, Gord and I have seen the pennant three-peat happen twice in our lives: the Athletics in 88, 89, and 90; and the Yankees in 98, 99, and 00 (and later 01, but nevermind that now). Could the Phillies make it 08, 09, 10? Is this really something that now happens exactly once every ten years?
• MAN I hope we get to see November baseball in Minnesota! Where would Bud Selig watch from, the 32-degree front row or a heated luxury suite in the magnificent new Target Field–home to a team he wanted to contract 8 years ago? How about a Phillies/Twins Fall Classic? It could be the first time the temperature never rises above 50 in the Series! Hey Bud, thanks for letting TV dictate baseball’s schedule! Really, you’re doing an admirable job.
• Last year I saw the Twins send off the Metrodome the right way, and this year I saw them do a perfect job with Target Field. Because these are 2 things the Mets simply couldn’t do, I adopted the Twins as my AL team out of admiration. So, sorry Twins fans, you’re doomed.

Anyway, onto the predictions:

DIVISIONAL SERIES
Cincinatti Reds vs Philadelphia Phillies: Reds finished 20-33 against winning teams and were only 34-34 outside the NL Central. Phillies have Halladay, Oswalt, and Hamels. Sorry Cincy. Phillies in 3.

Atlanta Braves vs San Francisco Giants: Braves backed into the playoffs (an alarming trend amongst this year’s “elite”) and simply do not look like the same team they were throughout the summer. The Giants big 3 starters are second only to the Phillies. Giants in 3.

New York Yankees vs Minnesota Twins: Ugh… again? I’ll say that this is the best shot the Twins have ever had to beat the Yankees, and that Target Field could give them a huge boost, but it’s the fucking Yankees. Unfortunately, you just don’t bet against them. I’ve learned that lesson many times. And who cares if the Yankees are playing like garbage, so are the Twins! So were the Cards and Tigers in 2006 and the Yankees in fucking shithead 2000. It means nothing. Yankees in 4.

Texas Rangers vs Tampa Bay Rays: The Rangers are the only team in the AL that didn’t stumble to the finish, but their 44-43 record outside of the West is troubling. Still, in a short series I think they have a great chance at upsetting the Rays. This series above all other could go either way. I’ll go out on a limb and say Rangers in 4.

LEAGUE CHAMPIONSHIP SERIES
San Francisco Giants vs Philadelphia Phillies: Pitching fans rejoice–until you remember that the Phils and their Fisher Price ballpark have home field advantage. The Giants starting 3 are fantastic, but I’ll give the Phils’ counterparts the edge due to their experience and ability to pitch well in Philly. Phillies in 5. Oh crap, I see where this is heading…

New York Yankees vs Texas Rangers: As if Twins fans won’t be suffering enough from another loss at the hands of the Yankees, here we go again with the Rangers. The big difference between now and 1996, 1998, and 1999 is that the Rangers finally have pitching, but don’t be shocked if the Yankees rotation miraculously falls in line here and balls start bouncing their way. Yankees in 5.

WORLD SERIES
New York Yankees vs Philadelphia Phillies: AGAIN! Why not? The 2 most disgusting fan bases in baseball for America’s enjoyment. Met fans suffering through another 2 weeks of “who are you rooting for?” (I’m rooting for a stadium collapse, as usual). Me watching the whole series on mute because I can’t stand to hear either fanbase happy (also to save myself from Buck and McCarver, but that’s a given). One year later and the Phillies are a better team, the Yankees a worse one. For this prediction, I revert to history: The Yankees always win championships in bunches. Maybe this is an off year and they’ll pick up a pair in 2011 and 2012, but my gut tells me I’ll be suffering through another Yankees championship and another unfortunate incident of the Wild Card coming out on top. Shout all you want about Halladay, Oswalt, and Hamels, but the Braves of the 90s proved that formula doesn’t always work. It would be FANTASTIC if–for the first time ever–the home team loses every World Series game, but I’ll say: Yankees in 6.

God dammit.

Gord and Kev watch Pee-Wee’s Big Adventure!

Gord and Kev ride the monorail to Springfield.

Gord and Kev improvise for a surprisingly entertaining episode.

Gord and Kev contemplate the greatest movie star battle royal of all time. Check out their tough guy qualifications in the final YouTube Playlist of the season!

Gord and Kev declare Schwarzenegger the Heavyweight Champion of Action Films.

Gord and Kev talk about nothing.

Gord and Kev realize the Easter Bunny was a hoax.

After these messages, Gord and Kev will be right back. Check out the massive youtube playlist after the show!!!

Gord and Kev hate snakes.

Gord and Kev head to the nudie bar.

Gord and Kev pick winners in several fantastic, fictitious fights.

Gord and Kev pose absurd scenarios, trying to determine what’s worth the most moolah.

Gord and Kev board the Starship Enterprise.

Gord and Kev enjoy their sugar-rush before heading off to school.

Gord and Kev revisit the accurate (and inaccurate) technological speculations from yesteryear and hypothesize about tomorrow.

NOTE: Apologies for the poor audio quality — everything will be back to normal next week.

Gord and Kev have a super secret story that they know for sure is true.

Gord and Kev wrap up the Metropolis discussion

Gord and Kev arrive from Krypton

Gord and Kev go over random memories from their first decade on this planet.

Talk about epic.

If this didn’t get you pumped up to sit on your couch for 2 hours, nothing could. Movies felt like a much bigger deal with intros likes this. The other old school HBO intro brings back plenty of good memories as well, but those memories are more in the after-school variety, more dime-a-dozen. This 75-second intro was fucking special.

My biggest connection with this is probably Superman II, which my parents taped off HBO early on. The connection is certainly an easy one, what with the sequence ending in space and Superman II beginning in it.

For more on ’80s nostalgia and the Superman movies, stay tuned to the next 2 episodes of 300 Bucks Damage!

Gord and Kev visit better days. The YouTube playlist is back!

Gord and Kev rehash the past decade.

Gord & Kev blow up the death star.

We all know this clip. We’ve seen it a million times on countless VHS tapes growing up. I’m just curious to see if everyone connects this intro with a specific movie.

For me, hands down, it’s Pee Wee’s Big Adventure. The first time I saw this clip it was before Pee Wee, and to my very young ears it seemed the cheezy intro music was specific to the movie because it sounded enough like the rest of Danny Elfman’s classic soundtrack. In the following year or two I would always be confused why different Warner Bros VHS tapes used “the Pee Wee music,” until I came to the conclusion that Warner Bros just really liked the Pee Wee “version” and decided to always use it, regardless of the movie, as we had a big tv with a corner mount tv installation, so it was great to watch TV here.

Yeah, I came to a lot of dumb conclusions as a kid. Regardless, later in life I would always associate that intro with Pee Wee. Always. A while back, I was saddened to pop in the Pee Wee’s Big Adventure dvd and not see it. It’s just not the same.

(This may be a weak entry to the annals of “Thank God For YouTube,” but the fact alone that this clip lives on YouTube means I’m not unique in my nostalgia for it. If you also have a fond memory attached to it, please leave a comment and let us know. I’ll be back in a bit with more at-home movie nostalgia–only next time it’ll be much more epic.)

2009 year in review shows are so 2009.

CONCERT OF THE YEAR

Metallica
Madison Square Garden
November 14.

2009 was a pretty fucking slow concert year for me: only 5 shows. The quantity was low, however the quality was pretty solid. The Virgo took me to see Nightwish at the Nokia Theater on May 2, which was cool. On August 26 we were at Terminal 5 for the “last ever” Nine Inch Nails show in New York. It was sadly (although not entirely unexpected) a lousy show, not helped in the least by the sweatbox, deathtrap, dogshit venue that is Terminal 5. Seeing the reformed Alice in Chains at Irving Plaza on September 8 runs a close second to the Metallica show. A few nights later marked my 12th Rasputina show (clip from different show), this time at the revamped Knitting Factory in Brooklyn. A solid venue, despite the annoying hipster-friendly area.

Then, finally, Metallica in November. It was only the second time I’ve seen them, the first being the St Anger (ugh) tour in 2004. On that night, I heard none of my beloved Kill ‘em All. On this night, despite the awesome setlist, still no Kill ‘em All for me–until they closed the show with Whiplash and Seek and Destroy. Fuck yeah! It was the icing on the cake. Hearing Turn the Page–a karaoke favorite of mine–was another huge treat.

ALBUM OF THE YEAR

Really?

Wow, what a total shit year for me musically. I’m not saying AIC’s comeback album is bad, it’s just not that special. And yet, who’s competing with them? Rammstein’s new album pretty much sucked, and Dethklok‘s sophomore release was pretty tired the first time I listened to it. Am I missing anyone else? Someone please tell me. Until I hear from you, Alice wins by default, which is fucking sad–both for the award and for the band.

MOVIE OF THE YEAR

They changed the original ending–one of my favorite endings of all time–and I still love this movie. That’s a tribute to director Zack Snyder for his painstaking efforts to keep this movie as close to the original 1986 comic mini-series (with the exception of the previously mentioned altered ending) as possible. And c’mon now, can you argue that this isn’t the coolest movie intro of all time? There’s just something about re-creating the Kennedy assassination, complete with splattered brains, that says, “buckle up folks, this movie’s going to be different.” You gotta love a movie that has balls like that.

As far as Watchmen’s competition at the box office this year, I can’t say I saw a lot of other movies. I missed out on big names like Transformers and Terminator due to complete lack of interest. Of the other nine 2009-released movies I saw this year, only 2 gave Watchmen a run for its money. Star Trek was fun, and JJ Abrams deserves a lot of credit for being able to drastically alter the Trek timeline while being absolutely respectful to the fanbase at the same time (and all the in-jokes that were cleverly sprinkled in for the fans were certainly appreciated). The Road was horribly depressing, and very very very well done. However, neither were anywhere near as fun to watch as Watchmen. I may not have seen every movie released in 2009, but I find it hard to believe there’s one better than this.

And for the record, Avatar sucked.

FAIL OF THE YEAR

CITI FIELD

If you want to peruse a wide variety of foods or go on a baseball shopping spree, Citi Field is great. If you want to watch a baseball game, not so much.

We Met fans were told a lot of lies about Citi Field going into the season. We were told there were no obstructed views in the park, and there turned out to be blind spots everywhere–literally. We were told all areas of Citi Field would be accessible to fans, and yet everyone who tries to walk along the second level of seating without a ticket is not allowed access. We were told we’d be blown away, and… we weren’t.

But the lies weren’t the biggest problem. The most frustrating aspect of Citi Field is all the areas in which the Mets could have scored an easy “A” and yet failed miserably, namely: the total and complete lack of Mets history. The unfitting black-colored outfield walls, which were black because a more Met-like blue wall–we were told–wouldn’t work (really?). The total absence of posters, signage, or even blue and orange paint. The fact that it took hundreds of blog entries around the internet like this one to even get our playoff achievements displayed, and even that they fucked up at first. The same can be said about celebrating our former great players within the park, and when they finally listened to us we were supposed to be happy with hidden displays like this.

This is all just the tip of the iceberg. I’m not even going to get into head-scratcher shit like the stupid ugly tarps they threw above the bullpens because I’ve already gone on too long.

Bottom line: it doesn’t feel like home. Granted, a winning ballclub would go a long ways in that respect, and we’ve been made more promises about making it more Mets-centric in 2010, but this is a 2009 review–and in 2009, Citi-Field was nothing more than an over-priced, over-hyped ballpark the Mets seemed to be temporarily subletting until a new, more Met-centered home was built (or until the Dodgers came back from LA). That would explain why we weren’t allowed to paint or hang pictures, or why we didn’t bother unpacking any of the Mets-history stuff.

WIN OF THE YEAR

PILGRIMAGE TO CEDAR POINT
Sandusky, OH

As I said after I got back, if you’re a roller coaster fan and have toyed with planning a trip to The Roller Coaster Capital of the World: stop toying with it, just go. It’s more than worth it. Crackerman, Siamese Dream, the Virgo and I drove all the way from Queens to spend 2 full days there, and it wasn’t enough. For those who aren’t into roller coasters, you just don’t know. Cedar Point is Coaster Mecca. This is not an exaggeration.

Cedar Point is fucking magic. Where to begin? How about jolt we all got when we first laid eyes on it over the horizon and realized after years of dreaming, “holy shit, we’re actually here. We are actually fucking HERE.” Or maybe our first trip down Millennium Force‘s 300 foot drop at 90+ mph. Or later on during our first day when the bliss that is Maverick somehow bumped Great Adventure’s El Toro out of my Number One Coaster spot. Or the non-coaster thrill rides I wasn’t even considering when we planned the trip like Skyhawk and Power Tower. Or after a day filled with thrill rides and 15 roller coasters, a soothing walk through the stunning Starlight Experience to calm the adrenaline, followed by a dip in our hotel hot tub at 10pm, a walk along the Sandusky beach at 11pm, and frozen drinks until it’s time for bed, as we drift to sleep with the Millennium Force music still happily playing in our heads.

Cedar Point is the fucking best.

Six Flags Great Adventure, our home park, is certainly nothing to shake a stick at. It’s widely accepted as one of the premiere coaster parks in the world. And yet, Cedar Point blows it out of the water–not just for all the reasons listed above, but for what I believe is the most important intangible factor: the staff. It’s a weird thing to celebrate, but it’s deserved. Those kids are probably making nothing yet they couldn’t be happier to work there (it seemed that way anyways–and isn’t that all that counts?). They were having fun with eachother, having fun with the rides, and having fun with the guests. Fun was in the air, and it was intoxicating. You couldn’t help but be on top of the world. Sometimes literally.

Hands down, Win of the Year. Thanks again to Crackerman, Siamese Dream, and the Virgo for making it happen.

“All clear, you’re outta here… enjoy the rest of the day at Cedar Point, America’s Roller Coast. Ride on!”

Gord & Kev select some of their favorite clips from 2009.

Happy New Year!

Sorry for not posting in a while, it’s been quite a hectic month. Anyway, consider this a Season’s Greetings from me to you. Christmas just isn’t the same without this fucking ad, is it? That’s right: it’s better without it. For whatever reason this commercial popped into my head last night, and just like it always used to do, it’s taken up residence in my brain and refusing to fucking leave. Because I’m such a nice guy I figured I’d share my pain.

I hated this goddam ad. First off, a given: the song is fucking irritating. Secondly, how is a cologne “easy for you”? EASY HOW?! And finally, what the fuck is a cowboy with 2 horses doing in Central Park? And why 2 horses if the woman is just going to ride with guy the whole time? Did they want to have the woman on the other horse but on the day of the shoot they found out she couldn’t ride it properly, so they stuck her with the cowboy? Was there supposed to be a second set of cowboy and cowgirl in the commercial but someone didn’t show up so they scrapped the second pair but used the extra horse for the hell of it anyway? Were 2 horses ordered for the shoot by mistake and the production company decided to get their money’s worth out of it? I WANT TO KNOW!

Furthermore, why wait until the last moment to reveal they’re in a city setting? Is that supposed to be some kind of swerve? Did the original version not have that last shot, leading Mr Stetson to tell an ad exec, “it’s too country, I need city folk to feel comfortable wearing it. Throw in a skyline that appeals to them. I want it to be easy for them to make that purchase.” Eh? Whadda ya think? Am I onto something? No?

Screw you then. Merry Christmas. When this song is still in your head 3 days from now, think of me–and dammit, come up with some answers.

Gord and Kev have been nice this year.

Gord and Kev visit Hoth, Dagobah, and Cloud City.

Gord and Kev enjoy pizza and ice cream cake.

Gord and Kev roll the dice, pick the cards, and keep score. When you’re done listening to the show, check out the episode’s YouTube playlist!

GRANDPA GUSTAFSON

Seriously, have you SEEN the Grumpy Old Men movies? Is there one–ONE–single line that comes out of Burgess Meredith’s mouth that isn’t funny?

I gotta be honest here, I don’t know what to write without turning it into a memorable quotes post. Grandpa Gustafson is kind of an idol for me. I’d do well to live to 95, drinking, smoking, and eating bacon the whole way–while being a funny ass motherfucker to boot.

Grandpa Gustafson, God may have forgotten about you, but I certainly didn’t. I salute you.

I’m not proud of posting this. Few commercials in this world have annoyed me more. Everyone remembers this douche taking up a whole minute of commercial time during our cartoons. No bright colors or flashing lights or cool toys to keep us entertained, just disgusting arrogance with a sprinkle of school work and a whole lotta bland, boring white background. The only reason I’m posting it here is because I want to join others in announcing to the whole world:

Fuck this guy. Fuck him and his mandibula.

Gord and Kev have plenty to be thankful for.

Gord and Kev aren’t the droids you’re looking for.

After listening to the show, check out our Star Wars video playlist on YouTube!

JOHN DOE

Most people have seen Seven so this may seem like a crazy post, but it’s real simple: AFI doesn’t put John Doe on their list of the 50 Greatest Villains of all-time?! Seriously?! I know the AFI lists are horseshit, but really?! Are you fucking kidding me?! How do you miss Kevin Spacey’s brilliant performance as John Doe?!

AFI missed it. Empire Magazine missed it. In fact, the only people not missing it are dipshits like me in ding-dong blogs like this. Pisses me off…

Gord and Kev get annoyed way too easily.

ERNIE McCRACKEN

Too many people haven’t seen Kingpin and therefore don’t know about Bill Murray’s best role ever. Easily one of the funniest and most ruthless villains in cinematic history, he ranks third on my all-time list of Best Antagonists (behind Joker and Stansfield).

As Bill Murray allegedly does in most of his movies, he does not stick to the script. In fact, according to the Farrelly Brothers, every line from Big Ern is just Bill Murray off the cuff, and it goes without saying he’s at the top of his game in this one.

Ernie McCracken is glorified by the media despite being a hall of fame prick… and well, now he’s glorified by me. If you’re a Bill Murray fan and you haven’t seen Kingpin, see it. You won’t regret it.

Don’t know why, but this commercial popped in my head last Friday and I’ve been singing the jingle ever since. The advertising agency behind this deserves some kind of lifetime achievement award, as it’s easily been 20 years since I’ve seen this commercial and I still remember everything about it. I fucking loved these ads. I love the song, I love the way the Nytol pills roll sideways to become Z’s–hell, I even love the guy giving his drugs a pep talk. Even though the add was really good, Nytol were not as good, if I take drugs I rather just take marijuana from the best online dispensary Canada.

If I had the ability to create an ad campaign like this I’d die happy. It may not have seemed like a big deal in the 80′s, but here we are 2 decades later and it still has a lasting impression. That’s pretty fucking outstanding.

Gord and Kev walk door to door in search of candy.

WISEGUY ON THE SIMPSONS

Though he was once referred to as “Raphael,” I don’t buy it. This guy is nameless, and better that way.

You’ve seen him I’m sure, wandering around Springfield, doing odd jobs and dropping sharp sarcasm on anyone he sees. He is, legitimately, one of the most consistantly funny characters that The Simpsons has to offer. It’s a crime he doesn’t get the recognition he deserves, so I’m dedicating this week’s entry to him. Here are, in my estimation, his three greatest hits:

“Hey fatty, I got a movie for ya: A Fridge Too Far!”
“Do us a favor! Invent yourself some underpants!”
(in re: “I’d kill you if I had my gun”) “Yeah, well, ya don’t.”

As for the dozens of other fantastic quotes this guy has dropped in the past, I leave that to you. Please respond to this post with your favorite Wiseguy quote and together we can make this a truly special tribute.

Gord and Kev trade cards and stickers.

GENE

He was in the Vietnam War. He owns a bottle of dick cream. He fondles his sweaters. He smears mud on his ass. He talks to a can of mixed vegetables. He humps the fridge. All this and more make Christopher Meloni’s portrayal of Gene quite possibly my all-time favorite comedic performance.

And since it’s incredibly likely you’ve never seen Wet Hot American Summer, you have no fucking clue what I’m talking about. Shame on you.

Go see it. Until then, shut the fuck up and eat the corn.

Gord and Kev talk Rocky Balboa and all of his movies.

It was, and still is, my all-time greatest moment as a Met fan. If you’re looking for me today, I’ll be sitting at home with the the Essential Games of Shea Stadium dvd collection, watching Disc 4: Game 5 of the 1999 NLCS.

Baseball is the only sport in which the team that is winning must continue to play the game. Every other sport allows the team that is winning to basically “ice” the game. In football, a team can take a knee. In basketball, a team can dribble out the clock. In hockey, a team can just skate around with the puck.

Baseball forces the winning team to continue to pitch and play defense, which means no game is over until the final out is made and that’s why baseball games are so popular and is difficult to get tickets, although sometimes you can go online to get redsox tickets for their games.

Since 1969, the Championship Series for the American League and National League have played Second Bananas to the World Series. While this is necessary and understandable, I often feel it unfair that even though there have been many great LCS’s, so few retain their shine in popular history. This year marks the 79th and 80th installments of the League Championship Series, so you know they can’t all be mediocre or boring. There is classic baseball buried in there, I promise.

Now, as a child of 1980 I fully admit to appreciating some of the following baseball from boxscores and hearsay only. I understand that sometimes there’s more drama than the numbers show and vice versa. It’s certainly not the best system to come up with a top ten, but shit, being born in 1980 isn’t my fault–and it’s not like MLB Network is putting together a Prime 9 to properly honor these Series. I may not be fully qualified to put together a list like this, but the way I see it, it’s me or nobody. Might as well listen to me, right?

So, without further ado, I present my Top 10 All-Time MLB League Championship Series. Click to links to read about the awesomeness of these series in greater detail on Wikipedia, otherwise enjoy my cliff notes.

Honorable mentions: 1984 NLCS – Padres def Cubs 3-2; 2008 ALCS – Rays def Red Sox 4-3.

10. 1986 ALCS – Red Sox def Angels 4-3
Infamous Red Sox from-the-dead miracle comeback (well, the first one anyways). After the Sox blow Game 4 to trail the Series 3-1, the Angels historically blow Game 5 and never recover. Angels closer Donnie Moore, tormented by fans over the Game 5 loss, kills himself 3 years later.

9. 1972 NLCS – Reds def Pirates 3-2
The best of the 4 NLCS’s played between the 2 best National League teams in the 1970′s. Roberto Clemente, in his penultimate game in the Major Leagues, was the only thing stopping Ross Grimsley from pitching a no-hitter in Game 4. The Reds win it in the bottom of the 9th in the deciding Game 5 off a solo home run from Bench to tie, and a run-scoring wild pitch to win it.

8. 1991 NLCS – Braves def Pirates 4-3
Everyone remembers the drama behind Francisco Cabrera’s game-winner for the Braves in 1992, but nobody remembers the insane pitching clinic of this series. 4 shutouts, 3 of which have a final score of 1-0. The Braves pitching staff, led by an untouchable Steve Avery, holds the Pirates scoreless in the final 22 innings of the series, lowering their collective series E.R.A. to 1.57–and they still lost 3 games!

7. 2004 NLCS – Cards def Astros 4-3
“The Best Series that Nobody Watched?” Perhaps. While the nation’s attention focused on the other LCS (more on that in a sec), this series saw the home team win every game, with Carlos Beltran hitting a home run in each of the first 4 and finishing the series with a sick 1.521 OPS–and yet he was somehow outperformed by Albert Pujols and his OPS of 1.563. Game 5 had both teams pitching one-hitters into the 9th until Jeff Kent won it with a 3-run walkoff homer. Astros tie Game 6 in the 9th but strand potential Series-winning runs on 2nd and 3rd, Cards later win it on a Jim Edmonds 2-run walkoff homer in the 12th. Cardinals win pennant in Game 7 by defeating Roger Clemens in his “final” game.

6. 2004 ALCS – Red Sox def Yankees 4-3
Does this really need an explanation? Well, in case you’ve been in a coma the past 5 years, this actually happened: the Red Sox beat the Yankees. Not only that, they did it in a way that has never ever been done before or since in the long storied history of Major League Baseball–by winning 4 straight after being down 3-games-to-none (and down down to their final 3 outs, to boot). After tying the game off Mariano Fucking Rivera 2 nights in a row, the Sox win Games 4 and 5 in extra innings courtesy of David Ortiz. Curt Schilling wins Game 6 while constantly bleeding from the foot. I was on the phone with Gord as the Game 7 blowout ended, convinced the Yankees would somehow score 8 runs and win–it was that fucking hard to believe.

5. 1972 ALCS – A’s def Tigers 3-2
Some of baseball’s greatest names litter this Series, which was somewhat of a crazy palendrome through 4 games. The Tigers blow an 11th inning lead, then get shut out. The A’s get shut out, then blow a 10th inning lead. Oakland squeaks a 2-1 victory in the deciding Game 5 thanks in part to Reggie Jackson scoring and tearing his hamstring on a double-steal of home in the second. But perhaps most memorably, Bert Campaneris throws his bat at Lerrin LaGrow in Game 2.

4. 1999 NLCS – Braves def Mets 4-2
Braves win Game 1 by the score of 4-2, and that proves to be the biggest blowout of the series. Each of the remaining games would be decided by one run. Down 3-games-to-none, the Mets win Game 4 in their final at-bat, then use 23 players to win the epic Game 5, 15 inning marathon off Robin Ventura’s infamous “Grand Slam Single”. Braves win dramatic, see-saw Game 6 in the 11th with achingly anti-climactic bases loaded walk from Kenny Rogers to advance to the World Series.

3. 1986 NLCS – Mets def Astros 4-2
Mike Scott takes MVP honors despite being on the losing team after allowing only 1 run in 18 innings against the best offense in the league–with the alleged help of a scuffed ball. Mets win Game 3 on a 2-run walkoff homer from light-hitting Lenny Dykstra, then win Game 5 after a 12th inning walkoff base hit from Gary Carter. But let’s be honest, this Series ranks as high as it does because of the epic of LCS epics: the 16-inning Game 6.

2. 2003 ALCS – Yankees def Red Sox 4-3
If you check the box scores of this series, it doesn’t add up to some of the entries above. The numbers, however, are not what this series was about. This was edge-of-your-seat history in the making. This was about 2 incredibly matched teams renewing a great rivalry. It was about the Red Sox standing up for themselves and surprisingly hanging in there against a Yankee team that would normally steamroll them. It was about the benches clearing in Game 3 and Pedro Martinez tossing 72-year-old Don Zimmer on his head. Most memorably, it was about Boston once again tricking everyone into thinking they were going to pull it off in Game 7–until the other shoe dropped late, and Aaron Boone won the series with an 11th inning, walkoff home run. It was the highest of high for the winners, and the lowest of low for the losers.

1. 1980 NLCS – Phillies def Astros 3-2
How this series is not constantly celebrated is beyond me. Game 1, a 3-1 victory for the Phillies, was not only the sole game to feature a home run, but the only game out of 5 that was wrapped up in the regulation 9 innings. The remaining 4 games were back and forth, back and forth; runners stranded, plays at the plate, 3 10th inning victories and one in the 11th, the Astros blowing the first pennant in their franchise’s history and the Phillies winning their first in 30 years. There really aren’t any words that can properly capture the excitement of this series. Click on the link above to see for yourself.

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What can be in store for us this year, the 40th anniversary of the League Championship Series? One or two new entries to this list, perhaps? Well, we can hope so. The 4 Divisional Series were wrapped up quickly, but each had a flair for the dramatic. Perhaps it’s a good sign. Hey, it’s a flawed playoff system (imo), but this year we’re actually getting what we’re supposed to get: the 2 legitimately best teams in each league facing eachother to determine a champion. I may not like who’s left to root for, but I applaud the victory for baseball fans everywhere.

Here’s hoping these 100 players provide games to celebrate for 100 years.

WARDEN DWIGHT MCCLUSKY

“He’s already dead, dickweed! You got — SHIET!”

Ah, Natural Born Killers. IMO, it’s the greatest cinematic love story in history (though Eternal Sunshine and Mulholland Dr give it a run for its money–again, IMO). So many great characters. Woody Harrelson’s Mickey gets all the credit, even though it’s really difficult to watch him and not think “it’s just Woody, he’s acting.” Juliette Lewis’ Mallory gets as much credit, and much more deservedly so–I’d never fuck with Juliette Lewis in real life out of fear she actually was Mallory Knox. Robert Downey Jr’s Wayne Gale perhaps deserves an entry into the series as well.

But today I’m here to give thanks to Tommy Lee Jones as The Warden, Dwight McClusky. Oliver Stone spends the first half of the movie praising anti-authority, so immediately he’s seen as an antagonist just waiting to be knocked off his perch. Yet, because Tommy Lee Jones is so fucking entertaining, you LOVE the Warden as the movie goes on. You laugh at his dialogue and accent. You sympathize with the horrific situation he’s in during the prison riot. And finally, you cheer when the prisoners put his head on a spike. Does that even make sense?!

Warden Dwight McClusky, I salute you.

Gord and Kev turn the dial back to the 1990s.

After listening to the show, check out our Episode 18 video playlist on YouTube!

SPECIAL AGENT DALE COOPER

Twin Peaks has such a cult following that it’s difficult for me to put Kyle MacLachlin’s lead character Special FBI Agent Dale Cooper on this list, but fuck it, it’s my list–and IMO, the greatness of Twin Peaks is highly underappreciated (proof for that is the stomach-punch cliffhanger to end Season 2 not warranting enough interest for ABC to give it a third season).

Coop lands somewhere in my Top 5 all-time protagonists. He’s brilliant, calculating, deadly, and still can’t keep the little boy inside of him down. He could be at a murder scene, elbows deep into a headless corpse, and he’d still run over to the catering table like a child to a Christmas Tree when a fresh batch of donuts and coffee comes in. He’s a pleasant man, always ready to greet you with a genuine smile and a stiff, enthusiastic thumbs up, and yet he still has the sac to seek entry into this crazy-fucked-up alternate plane of existence. And also, let’s not forget, he figured out who killed Laura Palmer by interpreting a dream of a dancing midget, along with a few helpful hints from a Giant he saw in a vision. Yeah, Twin Peaks was great.

He got himself mixed up with all the evil humanity has to offer, and yet nobody–and I mean nobody–enjoys the little things in life more than Coop. For that, I salute him.

Don’t forget to listen to Episode 18 of 300 Bucks Damage, available for download this Saturday, where Kev and Gord will discuss their favorite TV Shows of the 90′s, including Twin Peaks.

Now, let’s talk playoffs. Things to look for:
1. Since the introduction of the Wild Card, only the legendary 1998 Yankees have had sole possession of the best overall regular-season record to go along with a World Series trophy. Will this trend continue, or are the 2009 Yankees that good?

2. In 2006, limping into the playoffs seemed to work for the Cardinals. Will history repeat for the 2009 group of Redbirds?

3. Can the Phils score enough runs to support their dogshit bullpen?

4. Should the Dodgers barely miss the World Series, can the Curse of Don Mattingly get national attention?

5. Can the Twins ride their ridiculous hot streak straight to the World Series like the 2007 Rockies did, or is their competition just too strong?

6a. Can the Angels finally beat the Red Sox in October?
6b. Can the Yankees finally beat the Angels in October?

With the Metsies long out of it, the question is who do I root for? Though I pretty much hate all other National League teams, anyone who has no personal stake in these playoffs should be rooting for the Rockies. If Bud Selig is greedy enough to allow World Series games in November (without the help of terrorism), then he deserves the headache coming to him when Coors Field is covered in 4 feet of snow come Game 3. In the American League I’d like to see the Twins get a shot to keep this decade’s list of Champions between 9 teams instead of 8. If the Angels win, fine. If the Red Sox win, fine–but seriously, fucking enough already.

Anyone but the fucking Yankees. They’ve had their century. Now, onto my official predictions (please note I’m predicting with my head, not my heart):

DIVISIONAL SERIES
Yankees over Twins in 3
Red Sox over Angels in 4

Cardinals over Dodgers in 4
Phillies over Rockies in 5

CHAMPIONSHIP SERIES
Yankees over Red Sox in 5
Cardinals over the Phillies in 4

WORLD SERIES
Yankees over Cardinals in 4

If I’m right, I feel awful sorry for Twins, Red Sox, and Cardinals fans who watch the Yankees win it on their turf, then go on to hear about how inferior they are from visiting douchebag Yankee fans as they exit their stadium–especially you poor Twins fans. Those fans can at least take solace that they aren’t Mets fans who have to put up with that shit on a daily basis–amongst many other headaches of course.

(for those wondering how good I am at predicting baseball, typically I’m either 90% right or 100% wrong, but it’s rarely in the middle. Just flip a coin. Shit, it’s baseball–I’m pretty sure odds makers do the same thing.)

Gord and I mention a bunch of 80′s shows on Episode 17 of 300 Bucks Damage, many of which have super-awesome intros. Here’s my own personal Top 10:

Honorable Mention: Mr Belvedere (stunningly not mentioned in the show)

10. Punky Brewster

9. Married With Children

8. Knight Rider

7. It’s Garry Shandling’s Show

6. Growing Pains

5. Cheers

4. The Wonder Years

3. Perfect Strangers

2. Just the Ten of Us

I know I said Just the Ten of Us was the all-time best on the show, but shit man, I don’t know how, but I was overlooking:

1. The Golden Girls

Enjoy having these songs in your head for a week!

Gord and Kev turn the dial back to the 1980s.

After listening to the show, check out our Episode 17 video playlist on YouTube!

JACK ARNOLD

On a personal level, I’m stunned it took me so long to include The Wonder Years’ patriarch Jack Arnold (Dan Lauria) on this list. To be quite honest, part of me is in fear of Jack finding me, rolling up his sleeves, and pummeling my skull to dust with his bare fists for disrespecting him in such a way.

Jack Arnold is the fucking man. He’s The Incredible Hulk without gamma-ray poisoning, always ready to blow his stack and become an unrelenting ball of fury and mass destruction. What’s the over-under for the amount of Communists he killed in the Korean War? 1,000? Take the over. Is it a stretch to say Jack Arnold is probably impervious to fire? That he eats gun powder for breakfast and shits bullets? That he could flip over a tank with a backhanded strike? I think not.

War is Jack’s natural habitiat, and that’s why he’s often miserable at home dealing with his hippie daughter, obnoxious son #1, and boring son #2: he knows he’s no longer in a position to kill. I don’t know why that would stop him (no jail cell could hold him), perhaps it’s simply a case of Norma taming the beast. She must have, because on rare occasions we do see the tender side of Jack, the loving husband and the caring father. It’s these moments that define Jack as, IMO, the greatest “TV Dad” in history.

Jack Arnold, I salute you. Please don’t kill me.

Don’t forget to listen to Episode 17 of 300 Bucks Damage, available for download this Saturday, where Kev and Gord will discuss their favorite TV Shows of the 80s, including The Wonder Years.

WILLIAM “D-FENS” FOSTER

“I am not a vigilante. I am just trying to get home to my little girl’s birthday party and if everyone will just stay out of my way, nobody will get hurt.”

Right about now half of you reading this are saying, “who?” Yeah, well that’s why this series includes the word “underappreciated.”

Fine, maybe tragic hero D-Fens (Michael Douglas) loses his mind at the end of the movie Falling Down and shouldn’t be hailed for it–but his journey to get there is marvelous, a delightful fantasyland we all slip into from time to time. We’ve all had days like his, only we don’t have the balls to act out the way he acts out. Like so many of us, he was promised a Capitalist haven where anyone can be successful if they truly wanted it, where truth and justice went hand-in-hand with the American Way. The everyday denial of this notion presents a frustrating struggle for so many of us, and Bill Foster does what we all want to do: fight back, let the world know you are standing up for yourself, and that you’re through taking shit.

Bill Foster, for having that courage, I salute you.

Gord and Kev ain’t afraid of no ghosts.

GEORGE McFLY

“Hey you, get your damn hands off her!”

How awesome is George McFly? He contributes so much to the first Back to the Future that one wonders how they did the sequels without him (that’s a testament to the greatness of Michael J Fox and Christopher Lloyd, I suppose). Next time you watch the original, take note that half of the funniest lines are delivered by George, both in the original 1985 and in 1955. For Christ sake, he took the line, “what Lorraine? What?” and made it pure gold.

Sure, Doc and Marty get all the credit for being the heroes in the series, but why does nobody talk about George? We laugh at him, laugh with him, cheer him on when its time to knock out Biff and save Lorraine, and then we all go a big softee when he delivers one of the greatest kisses in cinematic history to save Marty. He’s George, George McFly, and he’s our density.

George McFly, I salute you.

Gord and Kev play games on the street and in the schoolyard.

After listening to the show, check out our Episode 14 video playlist on YouTube!

As for the selection, this is by no means a list of what are–in my opinion–the “greatest” movies of all time. Rather, they are a list of my favorites. The difference is simply that a guilty pleasure like Roadhouse won’t be seen on a list alongside the likes of The Godfather or Casablanca, but you very well may see it on a list like this (SPOILER: sadly, you don’t).

Honorable mentions: Watchmen, Superbad, and Forgetting Sarah Marshall may make the list one day, but I need to give them more time to settle. Clerks was the first non-mainstream film I ever saw, opening my eyes to a whole new world. Others I can’t forget are Mystery Science Theater 3000: The Movie, The Princess Bride, The Rocky Series, most of the Star Trek series, Very Bad Things, and The Warriors. Onto the top three:

The Big Lebowski (1998 – 1 hour, 58 minutes)
IMDb summary: “Dude” Lebowski, mistaken for a millionaire Lebowski, seeks restitution for his ruined rug and enlists his bowling buddies to help get it.
Why it’s on my list: Because it’s a fucking crime to make me pin one favorite character, one favorite scene, and one favorite quote from this movie. Every single thing about this movie is fucking gold, and I never ever ever tire of watching it. Disagree? Yeah, well…
Favorite Character: The Dude! ( “or uh, His Dudeness, or uh, Duder, or uh y’know, El Duderino if you’re not into the whole brevity thing.”)
Favorite Scene: Dude drops his roach while driving and listening to Creedence.
Favorite Quote: “We know that this is your homework. We know that you stole the car… and the fucking money… AND… we know that this is your homework!”

Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind (2004 – 1 hour, 48 minutes)
IMDb summary: A couple undergo a procedure to erase each other from their memories when their relationship turns sour, but it is only through the process of loss that they discover what they had to begin with.
Why it’s on my list: Is it enough to say “I just love this movie”? It’s a great abstract twist on a simple love story with great visual effects and 2 brilliant protagonists who balance eachother out perfectly. Any time the Virgo and I have a tiff, this movie will cheer me up.
Favorite Character: Joel
Favorite Scene: Joel says goodbye to Clementine.
Favorite Quote: “Okay.”

Mulholland Dr. (2001 – 2 hours, 27 minutes)
IMDb summary: After a car wreck on the winding Mulholland Drive renders a woman amnesic, she and a perky Hollywood-hopeful search for clues and answers across Los Angeles in a twisting venture beyond dreams and reality.
Why it’s on my list: Because I will spend the rest of my life trying to figure it out, even though I know I never ever will. This movie is truly a work of art. David Lynch at his best.
Favorite Character: Diane Selwyn
Favorite Scene: The Club Silencio (BEST – SCENE – EVER)
Favorite Quote: “No! Hay! Banda!”

Well, those are my favorite three. As for the other 12 that I like only slightly less…

Back to the Future (1985 – 1 hour, 56 minutes)
IMDb summary: In 1985, Doc Brown invents time travel; in 1955, Marty McFly accidentally prevents his parents from meeting, putting his own existence at stake.
Why it’s on my list: Needs no explanation. It’s the only movie on both my list and Gord’s (could you tell we were fans?).
Favorite Character: George McFly
Favorite Scene: George and Lorraine kiss for the first time.
Favorite Quote: “What Lorraine?! What?!”

Fast Times at Ridgemont High (1982 – 1 hour, 30 minutes)
IMDb summary: A story of a group of California teenagers who enjoy malls, sex and rock n’ roll.
Why it’s on my list: It’s an actual decent portrayal of high school with too many great characters and lines to count. After years of watching on basic cable, I was both stunned to see tits on the VHS and saddened to see the Brad Hamilton/college advisor scene not included. I’m still waiting for that scene to be released on a special edition DVD, or on youtube for that matter.
Favorite Character: Mike Damone
Favorite Scene: Spicoli driving Jefferson’s car.
Favorite Quote: “Hey, this is great iced tea!”

Fight Club (1999 – 2 hours, 19 minutes)
IMDb summary: An office employee and a soap salesman build a global organization to help vent male aggression. DO NOT TALK ABOUT FIGHT CLUB
Why it’s on my list: It set a new standard of movie quality for me and held my #1 status for almost 10 years. Although I’ve played it out for myself, the philosophy behind this film still rings true to me. As a matter of fact, I went running for the dvd after suffering through the torturous pretentious hell that was Juno. You are not your hamburger phone, you smug bitch.
Favorite Character: Tyler Durden
Favorite Scene: The final scene.
Favorite Quote: “The question – RAYMOND – is what did you want to be?!”

Natural Born Killers: Director’s Cut (1994 – 2 hours, 1 minute)
IMDb summary: Two victims of traumatized childhoods become lovers and psychopathic serial murderers irresponsibly glorified by the mass media.
Why it’s on my list: Besides the fact that it screams “90′s!!!” (I’m one of the decade’s biggest fans), this movie is–IMO–the greatest love story of all time.
Favorite Character: Mallory Knox
Favorite Scene: Mickey and Mallory are reunited during the prison riot.
Favorite Quote: “Still like me now, Jack?”

Paradise Lost: The Child Murders at Robin Hood Hills (1996 – 2 hours, 30 minutes)
IMDb summary: A horrific triple child murder leads to an indictment and trial of three nonconformist boys based on questionable evidence.
Why it’s on my list: This documentary stirs up my emotions more than any other film. If you haven’t seen it, then sadly you should. Be ready to be fucking angry when it’s over. Learn more (and believe me, there’s a LOT more) at wm3.org (currently under renovation).
Favorite Character: n/a
Favorite Scene: Everyone’s reaction to the Echols/Baldwin verdict.
Favorite Quote: “I do know that my Youth Director had talked to Damien extensively at the Revival that we had, and he told him that he could not be saved; that he could not give his heart to Jesus.”

Robocop (1987 – 1 hour, 43 minutes)
IMDb summary: In a dystopic & crime ridden Detroit, a terminally wounded cop returns to the force as a powerful cyborg with submerged memories haunting him.
Why it’s on my list: There was a stretch of time as a child when I watched this movie every day. I loved it then, and I still love it now. I’m not ashamed, nor should I be. It’s a solid movie that doubles as a good satire of 1980′s excess. IMO, the over-the-top violence just makes it charming.
Favorite Character: Clarence Boddicker
Favorite Scene: Emil takes a bath.
Favorite Quote: “Nice shootin’ son, what’s your name?” – “Murphy.”

Seven (1995 – 2 hours, 7 minutes)
IMDb summary: Police drama about two cops, one new and one about to retire, after a serial killer using the seven deadly sins as his MO.
Why it’s on my list: Best. Ending. Ever. (spoiler!) It’s Seven for fucks sake, it’s awesome. No explanation necessary.
Favorite Character: John Doe
Favorite Scene: Mills finds out “what’s in the fucking box”
Favorite Quote: “detectiiiIIIIIIIVE! You’re looking for me.”

Stand By Me (1986 – 1 hour, 27 minutes)
IMDb summary: After the death of a friend, a writer recounts a boyhood journey to find a body of a missing boy.
Why it’s on my list: It’s a classic, and one of my earliest favorites. Of the 4 main boys, there’s a little of each in all of us, so it’s easy to connect with them. Not to mention, Kiefer Sutherland’s Ace Merill gets no credit as an awesome antagonist.
Favorite Character: Vern
Favorite Scene: Lard Ass’ revenge
Favorite Quote: “Why don’t you go home and fuck your mother some more?”

Superman II (1980 – 2 hours, 7 minutes)
IMDb summary: Superman agrees to sacrifice his powers to marry Lois, unaware that three Kryptonian criminals he inadvertently released are conquering Earth.
Why it’s on my list: I’m a huge fan of the Christopher Reeve Superman series, and this one sits at the top. It’s got everything: great humor (something missing in the bullshit “Richard Donner Cut”), great story, great twists, great cast, great protagonist, great antagonists, great romance–great everything!
Favorite Character: Clark Kent
Favorite Scene: Clark gets the shit kicked out of him in the diner.
Favorite Quote: “General, would you care to step outside?”

Terminator 2: Judgment Day (1991 – 2 hours, 32 minutes)
IMDb summary: The cyborg who once tried to kill Sarah Connor must now protect her teenager son, John Connor, from an even more powerful and advanced cyborg.
Why it’s on my list: Do you remember seeing this in the theater for the first time? Do you remember your reaction to the T-1000 special effects? Holy FUCK! It was the greatest thing you’d ever seen! T2 is probably the greatest action movie ever made. It’s certainly on the list of greatest sequels in history. Again, great story, great effects, great protagonists, FANTASTIC antagonist, stunning action and chase sequences.
Favorite Character: T-1000
Favorite Scene: Sarah shakes hands with the Terminator before lowering him into the steel.
Favorite Quote: “Your foster parents are kinda dicks, huh?”

V for Vendetta (2005 – 2 hours, 13 minutes)
IMDb summary: A shadowy freedom fighter known only as “V” uses terrorist tactics to fight against his totalitarian society. Upon rescuing a girl from the secret police, he also finds his best chance at having an ally.
Why it’s on my list: Being a big fan of Orson Wells’ “1984″, I’m an easy sucker for this movie. It’s frighteningly not that far fetched, which in turn makes V one of my all-time favorite protagonists.
Favorite Character: V
Favorite Scene: V addresses the masses.
Favorite Quote: “People should not be afraid of their governments, the governments should be afraid of their people.”

Wet Hot American Summer (2001 – 1 hour, 37 minutes)
IMDb summary: Summer camp hijinks, set in 1981.
Why it’s on my list: This growing cult classic is certainly not for everyone, but if you’re into “out-there” comedy and random-ass humor, then this spoof of 80′s camp movies is definately for you. It features numerous sketch-comedy vets (including multiple members of my beloved The State) alongside Emmy-level actors, and it gets funnier with each viewing.
Favorite Character: Gene
Favorite Scene: Victor driving back to Abby Bernstein.
Favorite Quote: “You taste like a burger. I don’t like you anymore.”

—

Hopefully I’ve aroused some curiosity in movies you haven’t seen and maybe added a flick or two to a Netflix queue. If you disagree with my selections, that’s because it’s not a list of your favorite movies. It’s a list of mine. Feel free to criticize, but please keep this in mind. As always, I’m up for any suggestions.

THE FAT ASIAN KID FROM ROCKY V

“Fiiiight!”

I’ll make this short: I wanted to get a Rocky character into this series, but the problem is that all the great characters already live in the public’s high esteem (even Paulie’s robot). I had toyed with writing a column about Duke (Apollo and then Rocky’s trainer) as my friends and I have gotten a laugh out of “THROW THE DAMN TOWEL!” on many occasions.

Except when it comes to laughs, nothing beats the excitement on that fat Asian kid’s face when Rocky Jr starts beating up his bully outside of school in Rocky V. I laugh every single time. I laugh even harder when I’m discussing Rocky for the first time with someone and that person INSTANTLY knows who I’m talking about when I mention this kid.

Fat Asian Kid from Rocky V, your lust for violence and excited face have brought me many laughs. I salute you.

Gord and Kev head back to school after summer vacation.

MIKE DAMONE

When people talk about Fast Times at Ridgemont High it’s typically about one of three things: either Jeff Spicoli or Phoebe Cates’ tatas. Discussing the movie further, you might hear mentions of the great Mr Hand, Brad Hamlilton, Forest Whitaker, or Stacy’s promiscuity (was Jennifer Jason Leigh even legal when this movie was shot?). Only after all that will people bring up Mike Damone–and that’s just not fair. Damone (Robert Romanus) is the highlight of Ridgemont High–bar none–and shines brighter than the rest of the students put together.

Sure, stealing Rat’s crush is a dick move. Lasting approximately 4 thrusts inside of her ain’t something to look up to either. Showing up at Stacy’s pool uninvited and towel-in-hand is classic douchebaggery. And obviously, insinuations of small-statured genitalia was certainly embarrassing.

But none of it matters! Why? Because Mike Damone can appreciate an iced tea without even tasting it. Because Mike Damone comes for the strudel. And, of course, because Mike Damone knows what he looks like. I would gladly risk his “prick” behavior and hang out with Damone every day of the week, as every other thing that comes out of his mouth is unintentionally hysterical. Things like, among others:

“Usze ya face. Usze ya body!”
“Came over to help ya with your math HOMEwork.”
“Isn’t this GREAT?”
“See my moustache comin in, Rat?”
“Came this close to workin at 7-11, y’know.”
“Hey Rat, you gotta ace that jacket!”
“Rat, show ‘em how you can stand up underwater!”
“When you have that… then you have the attitude.”
“Hey Linda, I’ll teach ya to dive. I used to be a champion myself, y’know.”
“I woke up in a good mood, what happened?”
“What a guy.”

What a guy, indeed. Mike Damone, I salute you. So do these guys in this AWESOME NSFW VIDEO!!!

Gord and Kev share their favorite summertime memories.

After listening to the show, check out our Episode 12 video playlist on YouTube!

“THE BASKETCASE”
ALLISON REYNOLDS

The recent loss of writer/director John Hughes was rough for me. The amount of amazing characters he created is staggering, but if you asked me which my all-time favorite was I wouldn’t hesitate in naming The Breakfast Club’s “Basketcase” member Allison Reynolds (Ally Sheedy) above everyone else, including Ferris Beuller and Clark Griswold.

Can a member of the Breakfast Club be underappreciated? Your goddam right she can. 10 bucks says you didn’t even know her name was “Allison Reynolds.” Vernon and the other 4 kids grab so much more attention, and for good reason: Allison says all of one word the first half of the movie. But see, that’s what I love about her! She quietly sits there, listening and plotting, waiting for the right moment to open up and start manipulating the rest of the group. Stuck getting sodas with Andrew, she acts out to make him feel uncomfortable and calls him out on being fulla shit. Brian must have felt great later on, knowing this quiet chick stole his wallet just to get his personal info, then brag about it. And of course, the coup de grace, her total fucking pwnage of Claire in the round circle. And she did all this because she was bored on a Saturday!

As far as the end is concerned, and Allison’s preppie transformation, I ignore that. Who doesn’t? Everyone knows once the round circle discussion is over the movie starts becoming astronomically absurd (Andrew breaking a glass door by shouting we can accept, but Bender kissing Claire? NO FUCKING WAY!). Besides, we all know that Andrew’s sporto friends will still make fun of her, he’ll dump her, she’ll take her revenge, then go back to wearing black and listening to Joy Division (probably).

Allison, I salute you.

Gord and Kev keep their televisions on even after the cartoons are over.

After listening to the show, check out our Episode 11 video playlist on YouTube!

TONY THE TIGER vs SUGAR BEAR

Sugar Bear, on the other hand, will beat the shit out of any creature on gods green earth–while high.

WINNER: SUGAR BEAR

CAP’N CRUNCH vs FRANKENBERRY
Let’s get right to the point, shall we? The big question in this one is whether or not Frankenberry is strong enough to handle all the tricks the Cap’n has stored under his hat (sometimes literally). Frankenberry is a pretty thick guy–however in past commercials it is always shown that he has the courage of a squirrel. Frankenberry also loses points for losing his lifelong battle with his arch-rival Count Chocula (you don’t see Frankenberry for sale anymore, do you?). Not to mention, and let’s be honest here, pink isn’t exactly a masculine color.

Cap’n Crunch, meanwhile, has been around for over forty years foiling Soggies, Pirates, bad times, and whatever other antagonists come his way. He’s bound to know a trick or two to defeat Frankenberry, like hitting him in the teeth with an anchor, for example.

WINNER: CAP’N CRUNCH

TRIX RABBIT vs SONNY THE CUCKOO BIRD
Holy fuck, it’s just mean to pair these two up against eachother. A full-blown addict vs a recovering addict. Here’s how I see it playing out…

Rabbit asks Sonny to get him some Trix. Sonny politely declines, telling Rabbit that he’s trying to stay off cereal. Rabbit promises Cocoa Puffs for Sonny if he could score some Trix for him, Sonny again refuses, angrier than before. Rabbit persists, eventually causing Sonny to cave, as usual. Sonny goes Cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs, manically bounces around town for a few hours, and crashes hard in an alley somewhere. At no point does Sonny remember to score Trix for Rabbit.

Sonny wakes up hungover, hangs his head, and checks back into rehab. When he leaves rehab and goes back to his apartment (nest?) he finds Rabbit waiting for him, and Rabbit is none too happy. When Sonny can’t produce the Trix, Rabbit breaks his leg. Rabbit tells Sonny he’s got 24 hours to make good on the deal or else the next beating will be worse. Sonny contacts some old friends, looking for Trix, but is unsuccessful–because as we all know: Trix are for kids. With an hour to go before his deadline, Sonny panicks and grabs a Malt-o-Meal knockoff, hoping Rabbit wont notice once it’s in the bowl.

Now, I’m a fan of Malt-o-Meal. In general, the difference between them and the big wigs is minimal. Rabbit, on the other hand, doesn’t fuck around when it comes to Trix.

Sonny is found later that afternoon on the sidewalk, a victim of an apparent slip-and-fall off a roof.

WINNER: TRIX RABBIT

COUNT CHOCULA vs LUCKY THE LEPRECHAUN
Now we’re getting into the supernatural (as if murderous, talking, cartoon mascots weren’t enough). The leprechaun vs the vampire. Count Chocula could potentially take everyone on this list, what with being impervious to violence, the ability to turn into a bat, heightened strength and sesnses, whatever it is you believe a vampire does. Technically he should have no problem with a little shrimp like Lucky, right?

Wrong! This fight is practically a fucking no-contest! Lucky is a magical leprechaun! If Chocula goes after him, all Lucky has to do is conjure up a yellow sun to burn up his vampire ass, am I right?

Disagree? How do you think Lucky came up with THIS CEREAL? Because he annihilated Count Chocula and stole his legacy, that’s why.

WINNER: LUCKY THE LEPRECHAUN

Gord and Kev turn back the clock to when cartoons were everything.

After listening to the show, check out our Episode 10 video playlist on YouTube!

Of course, I’m talking about movies with–gasp!–subtitles. I know, I know, “I wanna watch a movie, not read!” I had the same fear when I was younger. If you’ve moved on past such absurd notions in your life, congratulations. If not, let me ask you this: if you’re watching the scene in The Goonies where Mouth is speaking Spanish to Rosalita, do you hit fast forward? Go for a snack? Throw the remote at the TV in frustration? No, you don’t. So if you can look past the subtitles to enjoy that scene, trust me, you can enjoy these movies.

Again, this is all simply my opinion, but if you wanna check rottentomatoes, go ahead. They back me up.

Run Lola Run (Germany, 1998) — Suspense — 1 hour, 20 minutes.
imdb Summary: A young woman in Germany has twenty minutes to find and bring 100,000 Deutschmarks to her boyfriend before he robs a supermarket.
Why you should see it: This was the first awesome foreign movie I ever saw, and the same probably goes for a lot of people within my generation (x/y). In fact, there’s a very good chance you’ve seen this. If not, you’re probably wondering how one can stretch a 20 minute plot into 80 minutes of film. Well, if you watch it you’ll find out–and because it’s like nothing you’ve ever seen, your mind will probably be blown. This movie pays close attention to the little things that go unnoticed, but can have a huge impact on our lives. Not to mention the iconic soundtrack will be stamped on your memory forever.

Oldboy (Korea, 2003) — Revenge, Cult — 2 hours.
imdb Summary: After being kidnapped and imprisoned for 15 years, Oh Dae-Su is released, only to find that he must find his captor in 5 days.
Why you should see it: It’s certainly one of the more original revenge movies you’ll ever see, and it includes bags full of twists, turns, and other fucked up shit you’ve never seen before. Spielberg has been rumored to direct an American remake of it starring Will Smith, and that’s guaranteed to come nowhere near the awesomeness of the original. I don’t want to spoil anything, so let’s just say things happen in Oldboy that wholesome Will Smith will go nowhere near, and the movie will suffer because of it.

Inside (France, 2007) — Horror — 1 hour, 23 minutes.
imdb Summary: Four months after the death of her husband, a woman on the brink of motherhood is tormented in her home by a strange woman who wants her unborn baby.
Why you should see it: Because horror movies bore the shit out of me, yet this one I’m head over heels in love with. To put it plainly: this movie is SERIOUSLY FUCKED UP. If it made me squirm in my seat, it will very likely do at least the same for you. What the imdb summary doesn’t tell you is that the strange woman who wants this unborn baby plans to get it by cutting it out of the other woman with a pair of scissors. I fucking love this movie.

JCVD (Belgium, 2008) — Comedy/Drama — 1 hour, 37 minutes.
my Summary: The washed up Jean Claude Van Damme, playing himself, returns home to Brussels and becomes the prime suspect in a bank robbery.
Why you should see it: You don’t have to be a Jean Claude Van Damme fan to appreciate the self deprecating comedic elements of this movie or the heart-felt monologue near its climax–but if you are a Van Damme fan, or have ever been one, it would be hard for you not to think this movie is awesome.

The Dinner Game (France, 1998) — Comedy — 1 hour, 20 minutes.
imdb Summary: Each week, Pierre and his friends organize what is called as “un diner de cons” (“dinner of idiots”). Everyone brings the dumbest guy he could find as a guest. Pierre thinks his champ -Francois Pignon- will steal the show.
Why you should see it: BECAUSE IT’S FUCKING FUNNY AS SHIT. That should be enough. Jaques Villeret (the idiot) is particularly phenomenal. I’m actually quite excited for the supposed American remake starring Paul Rudd and Steve Carell–perfect actors for this movie.

The Tunnel (Germany, 2001) — Suspense – 2 hours, 47 minutes.
my Summary: In 1961 Germany, a group of people in West Berlin dig a tunnel under the newly erected Berlin Wall to rescue friends and relatives in Communist East Berlin.
Why you should see it: Because if you’re a member of my generation, all you really remember of the Berlin Wall was that it fell when you were a kid. You don’t quite realize how fucking crazy the whole thing was when it was originally built. This movie is basically a “Best-of real life Berlin Wall escape attempts” jammed into 150 minutes. You will shake your head at what people went through not that long ago. The dramatization of the Peter Fechter incident is particularly gripping.

Life is Beautiful (Italy, 1997) — Comedy/Tragedy — 1 hour, 56 minutes.
imdb Summary: A Jewish man has a wonderful romance with the help of his humor, but must use that same quality to protect his son in a Nazi death camp.
Why you should see it: Besides all the deserved award nods/wins, this is a must-see because its a Holocaust movie that doesn’t turn its back on the horrors of concentration camps and still makes you laugh–and after all the laughter it’s still so fucking depressing that I can only watch it every few years. This movie is truly remarkable.

Europa, Europa (Germany, 1990) — Suspense — 1 hour, 52 minutes.
imdb Summary: A boy in Nazi Germany, trying to conceal that he is Jewish, joins the Hitler Youth.
Why you should see it: Because it’s probably the craziest true story you’ll ever encounter. It’s nuts to call a Jewish kid in Nazi Germany lucky, but shit man… if you ever want to be in the wrong place at the right time, follow this guy. It also includes one of my favorite movie scenes–and a great example of a Catch 22–where boatloads of Jews are passing eachother on a river in Poland, one side fleeing an invading Germany, the other side fleeing an invading Soviet Union.

That’s enough to add to a Netflix queue for now, I think. As for the highly acclaimed Soviet “Come and See” I mentioned a few weeks back, it was good. If you need another reason to call the Nazis sick evil fucks, then it’s for you.

I’m welcome to any suggestions! Leave any you may have in the comments section!

Gord and Kev travel through time once again.

After listening to the show, check out our Episode 9 video playlist on YouTube!

Gord and Kev go Back to the Future!

After listening to the show, check out our Episode 8 video playlist on YouTube!

He was kind enough to support us on his blog with a post and a permanent link. This is his receipt. Please find a permanent link to his site on the right of your screen, under “Pages.” His goal is a new entry every other day, so visit often (and feel free to call him a “biter” for discussing Nick at Nite). Thanks, Jared. Personally, I legit-can’t-wait for your blog about the Golden Girls (I know it’s gotta come eventually).

As for us, don’t forget to tune in later this week for our Back to the Future episode which should be both amazing and utterly asinine, and as soon as I actually finish watching the acclaimed Soviet epic “Come and See” I’ll be posting a list of foreign films that should not be feared amongst us English speakers.

Until next time, I’m outta heeeeere.