Gord and Kev talk Rocky Balboa and all of his movies.

Here’s a quick refresher in case you’ve forgotten, or never seen, the Rocky series:

Rocky – He goes the distance with Apollo and falls in love with Adrian

Rocky II – He wins the Championship from Apollo

Rocky III – Mickey dies and Rocky loses to Clubber Lang. With Apollo in his corner, Rocky regains the belt.

Rocky IV – James Brown shows up and sings for no reason. Rocky buys Paulie a robot for his birthday. Drago kills Apollo. Rocky trains. Drago trains and injects steroids. Rocky trains some more. Rocky defeats Drago in Russia.

Rocky V – Rocky trains a homeless bum (Tommy Morrison) and kicks his son out of his house so the homeless guy can have his room. The homeless guy dumps Rocky for an evil promoter, George Washington Duke, who says, “Only in America” a lot (yeah, fake Don King). Tommy wins the belt and thanks Duke. The press tells Tommy that he’s no Rocky, so they have a street fight. Rocky beats the shit out of Tommy and then KOs Duke in spite of his warning, “Touch me, and I’ll sue.” Rocky responds after punching his lights out with, “Sue me for what?”

Rocky Balboa – Adrian’s dead. Rocky’s a pathetic old man. As Paulie says, “you’re living backwards, Rocko!” Ultimately, HGH and anabolic steroids allow a 60-year-old Rocky to go the distance with Antonio Tarver, the World Champion.

Best Picture

The original Rocky is unbelievably great. It’s the best one without argument. Sylvester Stallone’s screenplay is phenomenal, as is the acting, the music, the locations, et al. When I was young, this movie was never of any real interest to me. It has the least amount of boxing in it of any Rocky film. Ironically, that’s a huge plus for me now, but as a kid that was what I wanted most. The scenes detailing the development of Rocky’s relationship with Adrian are much more enjoyable as a 29-year-old than they were when I was a 9-year-old. The actual story is just so great. Viki King mentions in “How to Write a Movie in 21 Days” about how the hero’s goal will change, and she uses Rocky deciding that he has to go the distance with Apollo as a prime example.

Worst Films

Rocky IV & V are the films that I loved as a kid. Sadly, they’re both painful to watch today.

The log line for Part IV should have been, “You’ve seen great Rocky films, now watch a bunch of music videos with extra training footage and 70% less dialogue.” There is more “fighting” in this movie than any other Rocky. Apollo dies. Rocky drives late at night while we hear Robert Tepper sing “No Easy Way Out.” Rocky trains. Rocky trains some more. Drago says about five words. Can you believe I loved the Drago character as a kid? He’s like Darth Maul. He’s the cool sequel (or prequel) character that says nothing, yet he is one of the more memorable film characters in spite of his short existence. Oh, and what’s with that robot? It’s so stupid. Rocky’s kid sucks shit too. The best part is when Apollo is at the table and the robot leaves the room, he’s like, “Uh, OK, anyway…” which is how I felt now. As a kid, I probably loved that stupid robot. Since I mentioned Darth Maul, let’s call the robot the Jar Jar Binks of the Rocky films.

In Part V, Eric Murphy gets his ass kicked by Sage Stallone. Nice! It’s funny, I liked it as a kid for the excessive boxing matches and montages (e.g. Tommy Gunn’s winning streak), but this one is really lousy. It’s watchable in the context of the series, but as a standalone film, Rocky V is a joke of a movie. Strangely, I enjoyed the “nostalgic” feeling of this move when I was a kid, but it’s truly faux-nostalgia. There’s legitimate nostalgia in Rocky Balboa, but this one is just kind of there. It’s the only one of the six movies that could be completely erased without anybody caring. Also, why does Rocky’s kid age like six years in a week? The best thing about this movie is the Elton John song at the end, which I subsequently downloaded and listened to 50 times.

Best Monologues

Stallone has some great speeches, and my favorites are actually in the latest installment. I love when he is pleading his case to the commission to get reinstated and when he’s telling his son to take responsibility for his own life. These are both written and performed brilliantly. In my opinion, they’re so powerful that they can genuinely impact the viewer (in this case me) in their (my) own real life.

Favorite Characters

Burt Young is tremendous as Paulie. I had to check to make sure that he received an Oscar for his work in the original film, and he did. His character is so great, and he plays it perfectly.

Burgess Meredith didn’t win any awards for his portrayal of Mickey. However, these films wouldn’t be right with any other actor in this role. Rocky without Mickey would be like Daniel without Miyagi.

The Music

All the music is great except for the “jungle music” (as Paulie would call it) in Rocky V. Bill Conti’s orchestral score is epic and as recognizable as just about anyone ever produced. An honorable mention goes to Frank Stallone’s “Take You Back” song from the street corner that we hear at different times in the series. What a great song. Elton John’s song at the end of V is a hidden gem as well.

Rating the Rocky films

ROCKY ****
ROCKY II ***
ROCKY III ** 1/2
ROCKY IV *
ROCKY V 1/2 *
ROCKY VI ***

Honorable mentions: Coming to America, Field of Dreams, Pumping Iron, Ghostbusters, Private Parts, Manhattan, Good Fellas.

15. The Naked Gun (1988 – 1 hour, 25 minutes)
Logline: You’ve read the ad, now see the movie!
Favorite Character: Lt. Frank Drebin
Favorite Scene: Frank Drebin as the Ump at the baseball game
Favorite Quote: “Nice beaver!”

14. Old School (2003 – 1 hour, 31 minues)
Logline: All the fun of college, none of the education.
Favorite Character: Frank the Tank
Favorite Scene: The one with Vince Vaughn coughing, “Don’t do it!” at the wedding
Favorite Quote: “… Maybe Bed, Bath, & Beyond, I don’t know, I don’t know if we’ll have enough time.”

13. Anchorman (2004 – 1 hour, 34 minutes)
Logline: His news is bigger than your news.
Favorite Character: Rob Burgundy
Favorite Scene: When Ron meets Veronica at the party
Favorite Quote: “I’m in a glass case of emotion!”

12. Pee-Wee’s Big Adventure (1985 – 1 hour, 30 minutes)
Logline: The story of a rebel and his bike.
Favorite Character: Mickey
Favorite Scene: When Pee-Wee gives Francis and his father the trick gum
Favorite Quote: “I know you are, but what am I?”

11. The Birdcage (1996 – 1 hour, 57 minutes)
Logline: Come as you are.
Favorite Character: Agador (Spartacus)
Favorite Scene: When Sen. Keeley finds out his GOP buddy died in bed with an underage black whore
Favorite Quote: “Oh yes… Coldeman. The ‘d’ is silent in America.”

10. Dirty Rotten Scoundrels (1988 – 1 hour, 50 minutes)
Logline: Nice guys finish last. Meet the winners.
Favorite Character: Freddy Benson
Favorite Scene: Freddy Benson trying to remember Lawrence Jamieson’s name in jail
Favorite Quote: “May I go to the bathroom?”

9. Rocky (1976 – 1 hour, 59 minutes)
Logline: You have a ringside seat for the bloodiest bicentennial in history!
Favorite Character: Paulie
Favorite Scene: When Mickey tells Rocky breaking legs for a loan shark is a “waste of life!”
Favorite Quote: “You’re gonna eat lightnin’ and you’re gonna crap thunder!”

8. Major League (1989 – 1 hour, 37 minutes)
Logline: When these three oddballs try to play hardball, the result is totally screwball.
Favorite Character: Lou Brown
Favorite Scene: Rick Vaughn fighting with Roger Dorn in the locker room
Favorite Quote: “Suck my dick.”

7. Manhattan Murder Mystery (1993 – 1 hour, 34 minutes)
Logline: n/a
Favorite Character: Larry Lipton
Favorite Scene: When Larry wakes up in the middle of the night after dreaming about ring card girls
Favorite Quote: “Claustrophia and a dead body – this is a neurotic’s jackpot!”

6. Back to School (1986 – 1 hour, 36 minutes)
Logline: Registration starts Friday, June 13, at theaters everywhere.
Favorite Character: Thornton Melon
Favorite Scene: Professor Turgeson!
Favorite Quote: “Why don’t you call me sometime when you have no class.”

5. Office Space (1999 – 1 hour, 29 minutes)
Logline: Work Sucks.
Favorite Character: Michael Bolton
Favorite Scene: Joanna quits her job at Chotchkies
Favorite Quote: “We get caught laundering money… We’re going to federal pound-me-in-the-ass prison.”

4. The Highlander (1986 – 1 hour, 56 minutes)
Logline: There can be only one.
Favorite Character: Connor McCloud
Favorite Scene: Kurgan & Connor in the church.
Favorite Quote: “Are you going to turn off the tape or shoot me with the .45?”

3. Swingers (1996 – 1 hour, 26 minutes)
Logline: Coctails first. Questions later.
Favorite Character: Trent
Favorite Scene: Trent dancing on the table in the diner
Favorite Quote: “She was smiling at how money I was.”

2. Star Wars (1977 – 2 hours, 1 minute)
Logline: A long time ago in a galaxy far, far away…
Favorite Character: Obi Wan Kenobi
Favorite Scene: The swing across
Favorite Quote: “… everything’s perfectly all right now. We’re fine. We’re all fine here now…”

1. Back to the Future (1985 – 1 hour, 57 minutes)
Logline: He was never in time for his classes . . .Then one day he wasn’t in his time at all.
Favorite Character: Marty McFly
Favorite Scene: Skateboard chase
Favorite Quote: “Hey you, get your damn hands off her.”

THE FAT ASIAN KID FROM ROCKY V

“Fiiiight!”

I’ll make this short: I wanted to get a Rocky character into this series, but the problem is that all the great characters already live in the public’s high esteem (even Paulie’s robot). I had toyed with writing a column about Duke (Apollo and then Rocky’s trainer) as my friends and I have gotten a laugh out of “THROW THE DAMN TOWEL!” on many occasions.

Except when it comes to laughs, nothing beats the excitement on that fat Asian kid’s face when Rocky Jr starts beating up his bully outside of school in Rocky V. I laugh every single time. I laugh even harder when I’m discussing Rocky for the first time with someone and that person INSTANTLY knows who I’m talking about when I mention this kid.

Fat Asian Kid from Rocky V, your lust for violence and excited face have brought me many laughs. I salute you.